He avoids dischord, while she absorbs it

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 years. We started dating in high school and have always had a drama-free relationship. We went to different colleges, and a year ago I relocated to another state to be near him.

The problem we are having is how to be taken more seriously as an adult couple. We get along great with each other’s families, yet holidays have always been a source of contention. My family believes “the more the merrier” and has always invited my boyfriend over for family gatherings.

My boyfriend’s family invites me to join them long after all their family events are over.

I have explained to my boyfriend that I would like for us to be together during the holidays, and that not being included makes me feel left out. It seems silly to me that we have made significant strides to be with each other daily, but when the holidays come we are separated.

He believes it is unintentional. I have asked him to speak to his mom, but he doesn’t like confrontations. – Young and in love

First, you can mind your I’s and we’s. : Your boyfriend accepts the holiday status quo, so, the problem’s yours alone. And, “we” didn’t make “significant strides to be with each other daily.” That, too, is an “I,” since you’re the one who schlepped to be with him.

But if the only way to avoid drama is for you to absorb all areas of disagreement, then pretty soon there won’t be any you left, either.

The way to avoid that fate – the only way – is to figure out which battles matter to you, and to fight those battles.

If your boyfriend chooses not to talk to his mom, then your boyfriend will have told you in all but these explicit words that he’d rather disappoint you than upset his mom. That makes you an adult couple in chronology only – and challenging that strikes me as a battle worth fighting, no matter where you open your gifts.