Carolyn Hax: Right thing to do is help wife move out

Dear Carolyn: My wife of a decade is leaning toward filing for divorce. I think our problems are easily surmountable, but she is less hopeful. Despite her skepticism, she believes reconciliation is possible. We’ve begun counseling, we’re communicating reasonably well, and we express love for each other.

For months my wife (a procrastinator) has said she wants to get separated, both for “space” to help with reconciliation and as a possible prelude to no-fault divorce. She’s finally getting her own place. I’m strongly opposed to her moving out because I think it will sabotage the progress we’ve made, but my efforts to persuade her to stay have failed.

Separation presents logistical challenges: packing, moving furniture, reallocating responsibility for household expenses. I see two extremes for my behavior during this time: (1) going out of my way to help with her move, or (2) doing nothing and making her bear all the consequences of her decision. Both choices are tempting. I know my approach should fall somewhere in between, but how do I decide where? – Confused husband

The easier you make her move, the harder it will be for her to leave. Counterintuitive but true.

From your description, she appears to be just over the fence, wanting to go but still tied in a few places to the idea of saving the marriage. She’s likely seeking a separation and “space” because that’s easier to ask for than a divorce, and so once she’s on her own, no matter what you do, she’ll cut ties without looking back. It’s a common arc.

But. If you’re at a point where your actions can still affect the outcome, then you’ll make the best case for yourself by packing, moving, amicable bill-splitting – in other words, showing your genuine (i.e., not contrived to keep her) willingness to do the exact opposite of what you want just because you recognize it’s what she needs. It’s neither begging her to stay nor hoping the door hits her butt as she leaves. It’s neither weak nor bitter. It’s strong and it’s right in between.