To ‘just relax’ won’t ease infertility fears

Dear Carolyn: My 26-year-old, married daughter just told me, through tears, that she has been trying to have a baby for a year and eight months. She said she was going to get tested if they aren’t pregnant by the end of the year. My only advice was to just relax, stop putting pressure on herself and have fun. That seemed pretty shallow. Any thoughts? – Dad

Uh-oh. That’s one thought. Which I’ll explain after I share my other thought, that it’s good and important that you questioned your initial advice, because it shows your compassion and suggests you won’t make that mistake again.

The mistake, though, was a doozie; “Just relax,” while big among well-meaning bystanders, minimizes your daughter’s fear and frustration, ignores the many possible medical angles of infertility, asks her to do the undoable (when was the last time you relaxed when told to relax?) and, last but most, implies that she’s to blame for not getting pregnant because she’s too uptight.

We know, we know, you didn’t mean any of these things. But you need to tell your daughter that explicitly, as you apologize for your thoughtless response. And “thoughtless” is the right word for it, versus “shallow.” Your daughter caught you off-guard with her news, and instead of responding, you reacted.

When you do apologize, you’ll get a chance to respond thoughtfully. To inform that response, read up at resolve.org, the website of the National Infertility Association. Under the “Support & Services” menu, select the page for family and friends.

While the complexities this page lays out are real and emotionally fraught, the purpose in understanding them is simple: so you can acknowledge your daughter’s fears, offer your nonjudgmental support, and follow her lead on what she does and doesn’t want to discuss. These are things compassionate parents do for their adult kids, often without knowing they’ve done it.