One on rebound may be healed

Dear Carolyn: I was taught that it was a bad idea to date a man who was going through a divorce, especially if he was newly separated. He’s on the rebound, you’ll get your heart broken, etc. I’ve always considered it sound advice.

Now it seems every newly single man I know has jumped right into a new relationship. And these relationships have lasted, some leading to marriage. It seems highly unlikely that all of these men happen to meet Ms. Right so soon after leaving (or losing) Mrs. Wrong.

As a divorced 40-something, are my options: (a) be forever alone, or (b) snatch up some lonely, recently separated man who loves me not for me but because I was there when he needed someone? – D.

I was taught that it’s a bad idea to make decisions about individuals based on generalizations.

Some people do look for new relationships to ease the pain of old ones, yes, and you’re wise to keep an eye out for those. Time alone to heal is an important component of self-awareness, which is an important component of healthy relationships.

But it’s not unusual for people to get all the alone time they ever needed (or wanted) while on paper still in a relationship – by living separate lives under one roof, by not communicating, by watching their bond erode over the years from lovers and partners to roommates. For some, the separation is the culmination of hard emotional work, not the beginning of it.

If you believe it’s morally wrong to date someone who is separated, then I won’t try to talk you out of it. But if your only concern is the volatility of people on the rebound, then I suggest the person, not the person’s status, is the more reliable source on that.