Teach children what they can do

Dear Carolyn: From “You’re not getting a puppy” to first loves, how does a parent teach a child to deal with bitter tears and heartbreaking disappointment? I was taught not to get your hopes up. Is that a downer or just being a realist?

As a mom of four, I have been accused of “sucking the joy out of everything” and my response is always that I am just trying to help them temper the disappointments that they suffer and that I am faced with having to deal with afterwards. Got any suggestions? – Mom

For starters, you teach them to deal with tears and disappointment. By tamping down their hopes, you’re trying to prevent tears and disappointment, which is a different effort entirely.

If your kids’ hopes are unrealistic, then they’re going to find that out when the things they hoped for don’t happen; life plays the realist role brilliantly, without your help.

Broken hearts hurt, yes, and a brokenhearted kid means a parent with extra work to do. But a pre-emptive visit from Debbie Downer doesn’t make things hurt any less, or make the mop-up easier; that’s what your kids are trying to tell you. For the “no puppy”-type heartbreak, it’s also straightforward. As long as you have integrity and consistency in saying “yes” and “no” to things, then kids manage. Say yes to what you’re able and willing to provide, no to the rest, and no ulterior motives.

When it’s not about having, but instead about doing/being/achieving something, that’s a different heartbreak; a soul rejected is more complicated than a request denied.

But it still doesn’t involve parentally deflated expectations. Instead of telling kids what they probably won’t do – go to the Olympics, the moon, Hollywood, the altar – teach them what they can do: practice hard, study hard, rehearse daily, treat loved ones well, pursue happiness.