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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

She finger-points to justify cheating

Kathy Mitchell/Marcy Sugar Kathy Mitchell

Dear Annie: I am 44 years old and have been married for 12 years. This is my first marriage and her third.

My wife had a yearlong affair with a co-worker. We tried counseling, but her inability to end the affair forced me to move out, although we have not divorced. I also found out that her two previous marriages ended because of her infidelity.

Four months ago, my wife ended the affair, and we returned to counseling. However, during our separation, I reconnected with an old female friend. There is no romance or sex involved. I told my wife about the friendship, but she feels betrayed and doesn’t think she can forgive my “emotional affair.”

I am frustrated that my wife is being so self-righteous about something that never happened, when she had an actual affair – emotional and physical. Our counselor believes she may be going through menopause and has asked me to be patient. But I’ve already been dealing with this for 18 months.

I want to save my marriage, but it’s as if the real reason for our separation is being pushed under the rug so we can concentrate on my nonexistent “emotional affair.” I’m not blaming the counselor. My wife cannot focus on anything but my wrongdoing.

How do I tactfully remind her that she’s the one who betrayed our marriage and that I stopped all contact with my friend but she continues to work with hers? – Not Cheating at Texas Hold ‘Em

Dear Texas: We think your wife is keeping the focus on you in order to justify her own cheating. Please ask your counselor to work on that. If your wife refuses to take responsibility for her part in your marital troubles, there isn’t much hope for a successful future with her.

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