Find your voice, speak about sex

Dear Carolyn: My fiance and I are both divorced parents of elementary-age children. We have been dating for about nine months, so in many ways we’re still learning about each other. I know he dated quite a bit after his divorce and before he met me. I recently stumbled across an assortment of condoms and lubricating oils (that we have never used) in the nightstands that flank his bed, along with cards and photos from other women. I wonder why he would still hang on to such things and especially within easy access – if I could find them, so could his young children.

I don’t want to ask him because it’s none of my business and I know I won’t like his answers. But why would he have asked me to marry him if he’s still holding on to such “mementos”? – Cold Feet

You know you won’t like the answers, so … you’re going to put a bag over your head and make him your kids’ stepdaddy?

What he leaves in child-accessible drawers – and why – are thoroughly your business. How he views casual sex is thoroughly your business.

You have the right to know who he is, and you’re overdue to assert your interests here.

Starting a difficult conversation is the hardest part, so, here: “I noticed you’ve got all this stuff in your nightstands, and my first thought when I saw it was ‘What if his kids looked in there?’ ”

Listen carefully to what he says, so you’re more informed when you raise the topic you absolutely must raise, the possibility that your values differ on sex.

If you don’t like his answers, though, and if your first impulse is to wonder how you can express your dismay without shaking up the relationship, then I’m going to beg you to put the engagement on hold while you try to get on speaking terms with your own inner voice. And to talk to a skilled therapist about your tendency to be passive when leadership is what the situation demands.