Not inviting boyfriend’s kids to party

Wed., March 14, 2012

Judith Martin Universal Uclick

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m dating a man who has a 17- year-old son and a 19-year-old daughter. I’m planning a surprise 50th birthday party for him. I haven’t informed the kids of the party yet.

The guest list comprises generally people 35 years and older – the honoree’s friends and some adult family members who live locally, including his parents. I invited my parents and some of my friends.

I intended this to be our generation with the exception of our parents. I intend on informing the kids of the event, but didn’t intend to invite them.

Am I obligated to invite his kids? They are very close to him, but I really don’t want to share this particular party with them. We are also planning a family dinner at a restaurant the next day in which the kids will be included.

GENTLE READER: It is a good thing that you enjoy surprises.

Miss Manners believes that you are likely to get some surprises yourself when you explain to the children that you are excluding them on the basis of age, but making an exception for your own parents, and another surprise when the guest of honor finds out.

Instead, you might discourage the children politely by saying, “That’s going to be an old people’s party, and you’re welcome, but I was afraid you’d be bored. The real family party is the dinner.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married this summer. He is looking at black and red, but I say it is for winter and evening.

GENTLE READER: Surely you mean that he is reading “The Red and the Black” by our dear Stendhal, in which case Miss Manners has to agree that it will not put him into the proper frame of mind for marriage.

You could not be referring to his wardrobe, because a bridegroom wears only black and white evening clothes or, for a less formal wedding, a blue suit.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com;or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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