Love means not making him over

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been nudging my live-in boyfriend to get a second job. He has a college degree, and we’re both about 30, but he’s been stuck in low-paying restaurant work for five-plus years.

In order for us to have any future stability, move out of our apartment, afford a mortgage, go on vacation or even get engaged and married, he’s going to need to bring his income way up!

He means well and wants better but apparently suffers from self-esteem issues and a lack of role models or successful male peers.

While I’m happy I have this earning power, I still feel resentment that we’re “stuck” because he is not living up to his potential. What advice do you have for turning the switch on in his mind to more urgently seek higher-paying, stable work? – B.

Whip? Blackmail?

“Nudging” has failed so you’re on to “turning the switch” – and while you might mean well, too, escalating is not the answer. Taking your hands off is – and stepping back, and thinking.

This marriage- mortgage-vacations plan – his, or yours?

Loving someone, even a life partner, does not constitute permission to remake him to suit your ideals. Even if it were, how’s that going?

Maybe he likes where he is. Maybe you need to ask him that, without a tone or facial expression that warns him to pick the “right” answer or else.

But first, I think you need to ask yourself: Do you want (a) to marry this man as-is, or (b) to marry this man only if he becomes what you expect him to become?

Don’t answer the way you think you’re supposed to – big mistake. Don’t be afraid of hurting or losing him, and don’t be afraid of sounding shallow or grasping.

If, in your most private heart, you refuse to live like this much longer for anyone, then you need to concentrate on making your own choices – not his – reflect that defining truth.