Doug Clark: The Twitterverse now has two Doug Clarks, one of them real

Imagine my surprise and delight when my editor took me aside the other day and told me she expected more frittering out of me.

“I knew you’d see the light,” I told her. “After all, it’s what I do best.”

Then she burst my bubble, as editors always do.

Turns out there’s this brand new thing on the Interweb that all the kids are doing called “Twittering.”

Me being so cutting-edge, she thought I’d be a natural at it.

Twittering – for you sad souls who still read the real paper – is a way to instantly communicate with literally thousands, if not dozens, of strangers about what you ate for lunch or how many times you went to the bathroom yesterday.

Back in the olden days, if you wanted to chitchat mindlessly with someone you didn’t know you had to buy a CB radio and get a job as a long-haul truck driver.

Today, you can join the global conversation by using one of those fancy, high-tech gizmos like a smartphone or a Walkman.

OK. To be totally honest, I knew about Twitter.

I’ve been avoiding getting involved because, well, I avoid getting involved with pretty much everything.

Then there’s the moron out there who goes around tweeting horrible things as the “fake Doug Clark.”

Imitation is supposed to be the sincerest form of flattery, but not in this case. This guy’s tweets are artless and unrepeatable.

But a new day has dawned and I’m ready to join the Twitter march to the sea.

What really sealed it was when my editor told me, Doug, whatever you decide to tweet will automatically become the official stance of the newspaper.

Just like my column. Cool!

There are a number of ways to learn about Twitter.

The most popular way is to check out Twitter.com, where you’ll find easy-to-follow steps on how to become a first-class twit.

The next-easiest method is to call my son, Ben.

He lives in Hollywood and has made a very good living as the world’s first agent for Internet cats.

As in Keyboard Cat, Nyan Cat and Grumpy Cat.

Best of all, Internet Cat Agent is a pretty hilarious occupation to put on a tax return.

Ben and I have a wonderful relationship, as evidenced by the following phone call.

DOUG – “Will you help me open a Twitter account?”

BEN – “Sure, Dad. Have you decided on your Twitter name yet?”

DOUG – “Oh, gawd. I knew it was going to be complicated.”

Ben calmly talked me off my emotional ledge. Then, once I stopped sobbing, we began looking into naming options.

Fake Doug Clark was obviously taken.

“You know, Ben,” I said, “being Real Doug Clark would be a great way to separate me from that crass fool.”

Ben agreed. But to our surprise, Real Doug Clark turned out to be already taken by a Florida real estate broker.

“Damn,” I said.

After a brief discussion, we settled on “The Doug Clark” or “@thedougclark,” as it will show up on my tweets, once I actually think of some.

Ben created a profile page for me that includes an old map of the Lilac City. I’m listed as The Doug Clark, official Twitter for Spokane’s voice of treason.

“After a while,” Ben said, “you should pick some Twitter people to follow,” which is like stalking minus the restraining orders.

The Twitter site had already offered me some possibilities to follow, like KHQ-TV and The Inlander, our weekly news shopper.

But if I’m going to invest my time following anything I want it to be regular folks rather than people connected to corporate journalism.

The trickiest thing about Twitter, as I soon discovered, is coming up with something worth tweeting.

“That first tweet is important,” Ben advised me. “It’s like planting your flag on the Moon.”

I considered a few possibilities, like …

@thedougclark If there’s anything scarier than nuclear war, it’s nuclear war loaded with gluten and cholesterol.

Or …

@thedougclark If Spokane had an Area 51, our top-secret, heavily guarded warehouse would be filled with two-term mayors.

Or …

@thedougclark Don’t reach for the stars; you’ll probably throw your shoulder out.

Damn. This is harder than it seems.

No wonder so many Twitter users wind up gabbing about the Kardashian divorce of the moment.

Then it dawned on me. There was only one option for my maiden tweet:

Hey, @realdougclark. Will you be my first follower? #TwoDougs. #BFF.

I’m waiting.