Carolyn Hax: Family time, travel tough to accomplish

Dear Carolyn: I once considered “family time” important enough that family travel became an item in our monthly budget so money would never be a reason for not visiting family. Now, with three small kids in tow, I am dreading our yearly trips. I would happily cancel this year’s to save the hassle of days in the car with kids, sleeping in unfamiliar places, and the weeks of poor sleep the youngest experiences when we return.

But family is still important, so I’m trying to buck up. I can’t get past the resentment, though: Neither of our families seems to have any clue that travel is really difficult right now – not even the ones who have the same number of kids.

How do I resolve this pull between family and the fact that life is super hard at this stage? – W.

Family time is very important, and, yes, sometimes you have to force the issue when inertia is keeping you home.

But in your case, inertia isn’t the only “no” vote; sanity wants no part of this trip, either. You can bag a trip just because. You’re the co-CEO of this family. You don’t want to be a capricious one, but you can adapt to changing conditions. And you do get to declare when your people need a break.

All that being said, this doesn’t have to be an either-or decision.

If bouncing overstimulated kids from the family truckster to lumpy mattresses and back again doesn’t bond them to the cousinry, then take your plans apart. Is it the car, the schedule, the mattresses? Can you use other transportation, set a less ambitious schedule, stay in better places?

Can you travel with one child at a time, on short trips spread out over the next year? Can these families join you at kid-friendly places halfway?

If they decline, then embrace the idea that your reason for staying put is just as good as theirs – or theirs just as good as yours – and release yourself of both guilt and resentment.