MIL wants equal holiday visiting
Dear Carolyn: My husband, kids and I split Thanksgiving and Christmas between the two sides of our families.
My family lives many states away, and holidays involve people coming from all over. It’s loud and crazy and we all love it. We see them two or three times a year.
My in-laws live about an hour away, and we see them about once a month. For holidays, they generally have one small dinner.
We’ve tried sleeping over in the past, and it doesn’t go well. The house is not set up for kids, and my in-laws quickly hit their limit with toddlers. Because of this, we always drive home to sleep, including Christmas. We start in our own home, drive over by lunch to spend the rest of the day there, then drive home after dinner. This works extremely well for us.
My mother-in-law has expressed frustration that this isn’t “fair.” Since my family gets to wake up with the kids Christmas mornings, they should too. I suspect this has more to do with what her friends think than any real interest.
We have zero desire to do this, but my husband feels she has a point about the “fairness.” Having all of us miserable Christmas Eve/morning every other year is last on my list. Thoughts?
– Holiday Splitter
Maybe this is just about your mother-in-law and the clucking of her friends, but when your husband even tentatively sided with his mom, this became an important issue within your marriage.
Are you in this to serve your parents; suit your own tastes; teach your children the meaning of family; maintain a broad and varied “village” for them (and you); balance things fairly in your marriage? Some combination thereof? If so, prioritizing … which one?
Talk about this. Stop, think, find commonality in your purpose. Then revisit your plans.
Should you choose as a couple to refuse these overnights, don’t be afraid just to talk to your mother-in-law. “I’d love that, but it’s too stressful in a house that isn’t childproofed.” Preferably uttered by their son, as a preface to inviting them to bunk with you Christmas Eve, to witness the morning that way. Logical and low-drama – as long as you and he agree.