Keep your eyes on your own wedding

Dear Carolyn: My only sister (she’s 25, I’m 28) has always been extremely competitive. She met a guy online in May, moved in with him in September, and started looking at wedding venues for next year. She’s always been one to dive completely headfirst into relationships, often extremely expensive disasters that my parents have to bail her out of.

My own partner and I have been dating for almost four years.

Our intent was to have a very, very quiet town hall marriage sometime next year, and I feel really like we can’t say, “Yeah, we were planning on getting married this coming year,” when we’re drowned out by her daily discussions of table settings and guestbook designs.

I’m worried in large part that she’s doing things without stepping back and thinking about it, but I also don’t know how to ask if she’s sure. – Competitive Wedding?

Right. No competitive impulses whatsoever.

You are in love. You want to get married. You believe you are emotionally and financially ready. Congratulations! Tell your family about your engagement at the earliest opportunity that seems appropriate, and get on your merry married way.

How much does your sister have to do with any of this? Your sister is an adult and in love and wants to get married and thinks she’s emotionally and financially ready. Repeat after me: Good for her.

Since she’s a fellow adult, and since I don’t even have to squint to see a pattern where you condescend to her and she overcompensates to prove herself – no, you don’t get to ask her if she’s sure. Not unless you’d genuinely expect and welcome her to ask the same thing of you.

And since you aren’t competitive (theatrical clearing of throat), you don’t want to get into a bustier-measuring contest by expressing concern for her choices as grim by comparison to your shining, responsible ones.

So, congratulations! You’re getting engaged. Please keep your attention on that.