Carolyn Hax: Visit can’t include friend’s defiant son

Dear Carolyn: I have two very close girlfriends who live in the same town, “Emily” and “Jane.” Both have children the same age as mine. Every summer I visit both, trying to split equal time between the two.

I can’t bear to be around Emily’s child. He is impulsive, defiant, has been outright malicious toward my son. I have tried to confront her about my issues with him, and she becomes quite defensive and accusatory.

This summer, I have planned to spend most of my trip with Jane.

Emily is offended that I am not splitting my time equally between the two. I can’t handle the stress of being around her son and I don’t know how to express this without hurting her feelings and ruining a 20-year friendship. – Conflicted and Stressed

You’re tiptoeing around this thing because you’re afraid of how Emily will react.

Fearing Emily’s reaction, though, validates her defensiveness, because it reveals your tacit agreement that protecting your son and reducing your time with Emily are mean, terrible things to do to her.

But they’re not. You’ve seen how the boys (don’t) get along and your actions are a rational way to deal with that.

So stop hiding your logic and instead be upfront about it. “Emily, this isn’t personal; it’s also temporary. The past few visits, Butch and Chachi haven’t gotten along. I’m taking the pressure off. When they get older and settle down some, we’ll go back to the way things were.”

Note, though, that this suggested script is just about the way the boys interact (fact) and not about her son or her permissiveness as monster-creator (opinion). You may well be right about all of it, but her son might also turn out just fine; you won’t know this for years. In the meantime, strong friendships can survive some creative scheduling, but they rarely withstand one friend’s judging another, especially on her performance as a parent.