Let’s see the flag-happy NFL take on alphabet
In the NFL this year, officials can flag players for obscene, abusive, threatening or insulting language. This rule was already in place, and it’s being emphasized now in response to concerns over the “N-word.” But there are a lot of other words that are offensive and, well, troublesome, on or off the field; in fact, an entire alphabet’s worth. Here they are:
A-word: Alimony. Who thought up this concept, the Daughters of the American Revolution? It certainly wasn’t the Sons of the American Revolution. This might be the only area of U.S. life in which women hold the upper hand.
B-word: Bookie. Before my failed first marriage, this fella was my biggest creditor.
C-word: Convenience fee. Convenience for whom, the price gougers who are reaching into our pockets and taking our money on false pretenses?
D-word: DirecTV. Its customer service department should be renamed “you’ve-got-no-chance-of-solving-your- billing-question-anytime-this-billing- cycle” department.
E-word: Engagement. Engagement leads to marriage, which leads to divorce, which leads to, well, you know.
F-word: Federal income tax. Just a reminder – when it was first imposed in 1861, it was a temporary measure to pay for war costs. I will say this – we’re always at war.
G-word: Gentrification. This means you are about to pay a lot more to live where you live or it means you are about to be asked to leave.
H-word: Hell. Just in case things don’t go my way at the pearly gates, I just ordered a ceiling fan at amazon.com.
I-word: Internet. The world’s most democratic technology is also its most dangerous.
J-word: Jetsam. An unwanted word about unwanted stuff, and it can’t even stand on its own two feet without flotsam.
K-word: Knucklehead. Who likes being called a knucklehead?
L-word: Lawyers. My first ex-wife left me when she was in law school. Case closed.
M-word: Money. The root of all evil, no?
N-word: NCAA. This organization is so vulgar and barbaric, al-Qaeda’s got it on speed-dial.
O-word: Onomatopoeia. The word has no practical everyday use and only exists to trip up unsuspecting 11-year-old spelling bee contestants.
P-word: Power. If knowledge is power, wouldn’t that make Congress powerless?
Q-word: Qwerty. This has to be the stupidest word in the English language, and I will have none of it.
R-word: Replay. The only thing that angers me more than replay as an officiating tool is an airline seat reclining into my lap; I’m back with Amtrak, baby!
S-word: “SportsCenter.” Yeah, I know, it’s sacrilege to spit in the face of “SportsCenter,” but I’ve always preferred my sports highlights in five minutes or less.
T-word: Twitter. The death of us all. Speaking of which, I’m already crafting a 140-character obit of myself.
U-word: Utopia. Frankly, I’m not a fan of idealized visions of perfection; Baltimore’s fine by me.
V-word: Venture capitalist. You know, you don’t see a whole lot of venture socialists.
W-word: Wall Street or Washington. Take your pick.
X-word: Xylophone. This just might be me, but next to the accordion and bagpipes, this has to be the most annoying instrument out there.
Y-word: Youth. To quote Shakespeare, “A man loves the meal in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.” Goodbye, Ruth’s Chris.
Z-word: Zodiac. I was never a fan of horoscopes, but with climate change screwing with the celestial sphere, all bets are off. Besides, every time I date a Sagittarius, it leads to the A-word.