Carolyn Hax: Move in after he’s divorced

Hi, Carolyn: I’m 38 and involved with a same-age man. We’ve been dating for six months and are starting to discuss living together, which would also be a first.

The catch is that he’s been separated from his wife for the past four years. I had nothing to do with their marriage ending so I don’t feel guilty about my involvement with him. However, she has been dragging her feet on actually filing for divorce.

Should I let the fact that he is separated stop me from continuing or growing the relationship? Would I be a fool to move in with him? At what point do I give him an ultimatum?

I would like to own a house and get married and have a child, all of which I’ve been very transparent about. – A.

You’d be a fool to move in with him, yes, and you’d whomp up a fool layer cake if you also relied on an ultimatum.

The wisest thing you’ve done is to be transparent about house, marriage, kids. Don’t screw that up now by taking actions that directly undermine what matters to you. Specifically:

• Giving him an “or else.” That forces his hand on something you want him to embrace willingly.

• Assuming he knows what you’re thinking. Even after being transparent, assuming leaves room for the two of you to make joint decisions with different outcomes in mind.

• Dismissing their failure to divorce when their long separation means it’s a stinkin’ pen stroke away. That opens you to being blindsided by the real reason this last tie remains uncut.

• And, moving in with him before he finalizes his divorce. Yikes. Our own stalemates are bad enough – you’d be joining someone else’s, on purpose, knowingly against your own interests.

Besides potentially undermining everything you say you want, these actions are also all needlessly complicated. A response to this situation that makes sense for you is breathtakingly simple: “I’d love to become a more permanent part of your life, but until you’re divorced, that’s premature.”