Carolyn Hax: Real issue is facing sister, her choices

Dear Carolyn: My sister “Hillary” has been dating “Mitt” for about four years. During that time they’ve had a number of spectacular, public breakups.

The most recent breakup seems to revolve around a number of issues, but includes some closed-minded, frankly racist comments he made about my husband and in-laws.

When they (inevitably) get back together, how do I sit across the holiday table from him? Now that I know how he feels about the other half of MY family, I have no desire to be friendly. Help! – Wishing I Had a Vote

I know these on-again-off-again drama-fests can make it seem as if the on-again is inevitable, but that doesn’t make it OK to treat it that way.

Also ancillary, but more important, is that it’s not OK to take a casual swipe-by-association at an entire political orientation. The Hillary-and-Mitt thing is cleverish when you’re talking about a politically mismatched couple, but when your real story is about “Mitt’s” closed, racist mind, then choosing that name is a cheap shot.

If they are ever on again, then you do have something to solve, but not the problem of their drama.

The problem is that he expressed views of your spouse and in-laws that you find offensive. And so if they make up, then I suggest you say a your-words version of this:

“[Not-Hillary], whom you date is your business. But when your date says what [not-Mitt] did about my husband and his family, and you bring him around for Thanksgiving, then it becomes mine.

“And I have a real problem with your decision to commit to someone who could say such an awful thing about any group of people, much less people I love. If I misunderstood him, then please set me straight – and if I didn’t misunderstand, then I’d like to hear how you’ve reconciled yourself to his views.”

Because that’s the real issue. It’s not about sitting across the table from [not-Mitt], but instead sitting across from your sister knowing what her choices cost, and what they say about her.