Annie’s Mailbox: Couple’s issues not daughters’ business

Dear Annie: I have been married to “Phil” for 15 years. Between the two of us, we have eight children. Our youngest is still in school. The problem is, I’m not happy anymore. I’ve made mistakes, stupid ones, including flirting with other men. Phil isn’t completely innocent, either, but he claims if I weren’t talking to these other men, he wouldn’t have approached other women.

My oldest daughter takes Phil’s side and says I ruined the family. I don’t think he should have been running to her to complain when she was only 16. She’s since moved out, and he’s now telling our next oldest daughter, who is 14, about our problems. I think this is sick and immature.

Phil recently told me he was giving me the “opportunity” to leave, although I don’t need his permission. I’m staying because I refuse to abandon my children. I’ve admitted my wrongdoings. I’ve also made it clear that I’m staying only for the kids and don’t love Phil anymore. I suspect neither one of us could survive on our own.

I’m tired of playing “happy family,” living with an obsessive man who refuses to understand that I’m not the sole cause of our problems. It’s both of us. I’m not looking for another relationship. I’m looking for some peace. Any suggestions? – Miserable and Stuck

Dear Miserable: Yes. Get counseling with or without Phil and find out how to cope with the situation. Married couples who are obviously miserable and sniping at each other but insist on staying together for the sake of the children are not providing the loving, stable environment that children need. And Phil should absolutely not be confiding in your daughters about your marital difficulties. It’s manipulative and inappropriate. Shame on him.