Carolyn Hax: Wedding venues don’t ‘feel right’

Dear Carolyn:

I am almost 60. I have been living with my significant other for five years. We love each other dearly and have a great relationship. We have discussed marriage – he asked me and I said yes.

My problem is, I cannot for the life of me picture any way of getting married that feels right: city hall, a justice of the peace, eloping, a destination wedding, a backyard wedding with our closest friends, a bigger church wedding with more people, a Las Vegas wedding with Elvis officiating … none of these feels right.

If I really wanted to get married, wouldn’t at least one of these types of weddings appeal to me???

Deep down, I think what may not “feel right” is that most likely, two of our kids (one of his and one of mine) will not be really thrilled with us getting married. I think they’re just having a hard time dealing with the fact that we have moved on from our former spouses – our living together is tolerable to them, but marriage would be permanent.

Do I let that put a damper on the whole thing?

– To Wed or Not To Wed

Nothing that’s framed by “I think … most likely … I think” deserves such profound influence on your choices.

Talk to your child (and suggest your partner do the same): “I know you’re not thrilled with (partner’s name). You are important to me, and your opinion is important. If you have concrete objections, then I’d like to hear them. Take time to think, if you’d like.”

Then you follow up in a week or so if there hasn’t been a response.

You’re not looking to cede control to this child. Quite the contrary: By bringing it out in the open, whatever “it” is, you give yourself some say on an obstacle over which you’re currently giving your child total control.

Even if your child declines to specify any objection, then you can take comfort in knowing that instead of being defensive, in denial or dismissive of family concerns, you did what you could to resolve any unanswered questions.

Then you see whether you’ve come to your senses on the glory of an Elvis wedding.

You might find yourself exactly as ambivalent as before, but at least then you’ll know to look for the next theory in line. Sometimes the aha moment isn’t where we think it is; instead it’s just waiting for us to plod our way to the truth.