Carolyn Hax: Girl trip gone wrong

Dear Carolyn: I recently traveled with a woman who has been one of my best friends for eight years. On the trip, we barely spoke because she hooked up with a guy the first day and spent the rest of the tour with him.

This wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I hadn’t left my boyfriend behind because she has expressed how uncomfortable she is around couples. (It makes her wonder what she’s doing wrong.) I also spent a lot of money for a “girls’ trip” with her.

I’ve spoken to her about it, and her reaction has just made me feel worse. She has said she “didn’t even think about” how her actions could’ve made me feel. Her defense has been “Well, you were getting along with other people, so it’s not like you were alone.” I was already feeling hurt, but her not thinking about my feelings when I had been considerate of hers makes me feel she’s a bit selfish.

Is there anything you can suggest? I want our friendship to stay intact, but I can feel myself wanting distance from her.

– Conflicted on Friendship

There are a few possible answers here – that her ditching you sans apology will affect your friendship; her longtime romantic self-doubt gave her a forgivable blind spot; if you value the eight years, you write off the one trip.

But the answer I keep coming back to starts with a question: Why talk since the trip versus during? Example:

You: “When you spent the tour with Guy, I felt hurt and ignored.”

She: “Well, you were getting along with the other people on the tour.”

You: “I spent big money for a ‘girls’ trip.’ ”

She: “Why didn’t you say something then?!”

You: “I’m sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.”

She: “Thank you. I am not sorry about Guy. You know I’ve been lonely.”

You: “We apparently both need to speak up next time. Please at least see why I’m angry.”

She: “I do, and we do.”

Any decision on the future of this friendship will be premature if you two first don’t figure out how to talk.

So communicate now, and keep it simple: I’m your friend, I’m still upset, I’d just like that acknowledged. Dukes down. Good luck.