Carolyn Hax: Hidden disorder hurts more than self

Dear CH: When I married my husband, I knew we both had pieces of ourselves under lock and key. I used to be a staunch defender that we are all allowed a private room in our minds, where we store memories, thoughts and feelings that, while formative of our current personalities, didn’t really need to be shared with the other person. (Does H. really need to know I have a secret crush on Tommy Lee Jones?) I know my husband has a similar lockbox – he never told me about running away as a teenager. We are both damaged goods in many ways.

Some of the things locked away are shameful, though. I’ve struggled for over a decade with binge eating. It didn’t matter; you know, something I was working on. I figured it’s not his issue, until one day I realized living as closed off as I have is starting to hurt me.

And I want to be better now. I have children old enough to pick up on this. I want to go to in-depth counseling for a week. It’s been a decade; it’s not getting better; and it’s tied to a whole host of issues. How cliche can I be? But I have to start with my husband. And I don’t even know how to start this conversation. I’ve told him bad things about myself before; he’s never batted an eye.

– Living With a Closed Heart

No, you have to start with you.

I see “damaged goods” and I just want to take your hands and say, stop. We’ve all done shameful things. So please allow yourself to think you’re as good as, and bad as, anyone else. So’s your husband.

You’re right that closing yourself off hurts you, but you omitted the primary concern: Your secret self-harm endangers your family’s emotional health.

And that means acting on your eating disorder and whatever lies beneath it. Please call the National Eating Disorders Association: (800) 931-2237.

Trusting that kind husband starts with trusting yourself.