Carolyn Hax: Protecting a possible future

Hi, Carolyn: I have an older sister who was incredibly abusive toward me as a child. She was controlling, manipulative, the works.

She and her husband (who she’s pretty mean to already) are trying for a baby. When I heard the news, I got upset. I’m so afraid that child will grow up the way I did, and even more afraid it won’t be as lucky as I was in having the ability to get away.

Part of me always hoped I’d be able to leave her behind forever, but now I feel like I have an obligation to stay involved. I don’t know what to do. Any thoughts?

– Anonymous

What a tough spot to be in. It’s not as if you can just swoop across the tracks to save this baby from the oncoming train. What you have is a projection of possible future harm to a possible future person based on past experience and current spectating.

The easiest answer is to use your unknowns and their privacy as justification for butting out.

The simplistic answer is to stand up to your sister and tell her husband about your history with her, ideally with her present.

But the only answers that ever work are realistic ones, and I don’t think the easy or simplistic routes can realistically put this matter to rest.

The risk of getting involved is self-evident. You could be berated, ostracized, blamed for a marriage’s demise. And, you could be wrong, with all the attendant consequences. That’s why I won’t advise the risk without also advising appropriate support.

The obvious source is a skilled therapist, who can: help you assess the wisdom and urgency of getting involved; provide ongoing emotional refuge should you opt to intervene; and help you accept the limits of intervention, especially if you’re not able to prevent the outcome that sickened you just to imagine.

Your brave impulse is to make sure any child won’t be alone in this; please give yourself that same gift.