Annie’s Mailbox:

Dear Annie: When I was growing up, we were all afraid of my mother. My own kids recently confessed that when they were little they were always afraid of Grandma because they never knew when she would completely lose it and take it out on them.

My mother seldom takes any interest in my kids except to find fault.

My husband and I moved across the country several years ago, but we still visit and stay at Mom’s house several times a year. We didn’t invite her to my children’s high school and college graduations because the kids said they’d rather not have Grandma attend. Because we already live so far away, I’m tempted to put an end to whatever connection we have. I think that would be best for my children and also for me.

Here’s the problem: I worry that my youngest child, who doesn’t know her grandmother that well, will think we deprived her of this relationship. My mother has shown more tolerance toward my youngest, saying this child is the only one who likes her. Should I keep in touch for my daughter’s sake? I feel terrible knowing that I was in complete denial about her when the older two were growing up. What if my mother can’t behave any better toward this one? – Worried Daughter

Dear Worried: You live across the country, so this does not have to be an all-or-nothing solution. It’s possible your mother will have a better relationship with your youngest child, although you’ll need to keep an eye on it. Instead of cutting her off entirely, we suggest you try shortening your visits and having fewer of them. Once a year for three or four days is sufficient, and if possible, stay in a hotel.

Mom sounds as though she could benefit from therapy, but you cannot force her to do that. You can, however, help your children understand that Grandma has issues of her own and sometimes doesn’t behave appropriately. Your kids are old enough to learn how to cope with her.