Brides put friend in terrible spot

Hi, Carolyn: My daughter was just officially engaged. It wasn’t a total surprise, but she’s so happy nonetheless. She had a venue in mind and checked availability (a place that fills up quickly) to coincide with an annual family event next summer. It was available, so she booked it and sent in the deposit.

She then asked her cousin, my niece, to be her maid of honor, and in fact her only attendant. My niece said yes and also said a friend of hers had asked her to be in her wedding next summer, too, but no date was mentioned when she was asked.

Well, the date chosen by my niece’s friend is the same as my daughter’s. My niece’s friend thinks because she asked first that my niece should be in her wedding (one of a couple of bridesmaids). My daughter thinks her invitation with a definite date supersedes the other request my niece received.

Needless to say this is putting a lot of strain right now on what should be a happy time. My daughter does not want to (or think she should) change her date. Does a “yes” answer without a definite date override a second request with a definite date attached? I think these requests were made within days of each other, by the way. – MOB in AZ

Your niece is in a terrible spot. There’s your “needless to say” element of this conflict.

For this bit of bad luck to put “a lot of strain” on anyone else is not a given at all, though – it’s a choice. Both of these brides can choose to be gracious: “I completely understand that you committed to the other bride first.” “I completely understand that you committed to this date first.”

That neither of them is doing so is unfortunate, and I hope someone in each of their camps who is a little more mature and a little less invested (ahem) will guide them accordingly. “Your cousin is in a terrible spot,” I hope you’ll advise your daughter. “Instead of pressuring her on top of that, a true friend will tell her that of course you want her at your side, but also understand she has to do what she thinks is right.”