Carolyn Hax: Wedding night mistake blows up marriage

Dear Carolyn: My honeymoon and marriage are in tatters because of two words I said on my wedding night. A few years ago, I was in an intense relationship with “Rick.” When it ended, I swore I wouldn’t become so intimately involved with someone unless it was for life.

I met “Tom” shortly afterward. I shared with him my views on premarital sex but didn’t explain what happened or why. He completely supported me. We just married, spending the wedding night at a hotel near the airport because we were going to Europe for our honeymoon.

As things heated up between us, I accidentally said, “Oh, Rick.” The look of horror on my face was met by the look of hatred on his.

“Who’s Rick?!?” It got really vicious. He called his parents and told them to set up a divorce attorney when he returned. Then he called my parents and introduced himself as “your future ex-son-in-law.” He asked them who Rick was and why I was moaning about him!

I pleaded with him for a chance to set things straight, but he quickly got dressed and took his suitcase and my passport with him, and told me not to follow him to Europe. He’s not answering my calls.

I’m trying to get a new passport, and wondering if I should get on a plane as soon as I can to try to salvage this. What should I do? – Wedding Night Disaster

Your honeymoon and marriage are in tatters because Tom reacted with absolutely stunning hostility to a quirk of the human brain.

Yes, his pain is understandable. Yes, yours was a huge mistake.

But. For this to obliterate all of his supposed love and trust, plus any inner mandate to be kind? His commitment to you – as a human being, vs. as a bride or presumed virgin – can’t have been deep.

He didn’t just get sad or angry, or yell, or cancel the honeymoon – he went for your emotional jugular and hasn’t let go.

This glimpse of his true character is a gift. Accept it and annul the marriage.

Get counseling, solo. Heal. Forgive yourself.