Annie’s Mailbox: Husband no longer listens to me

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for nine years. When we were dating, we had the best conversations. He would remember events that happened in my life and would follow up with questions later. He talked about things going on in his life and would include me in the conversation, asking my opinion.

After we married, he has either stopped listening to what I say or doesn’t really care anymore. He constantly asks me the same questions over and over, and can’t seem to remember the answers I give him. Yet he can quote you chapter and verse about any celebrity – where they went to school, who they married, who their children are – as though they are his best friends.

I’ve asked him how he can remember all of that trivia, but can’t remember things I tell him that touch our lives. He said he found celebrities interesting. I guess that means our lives are not important enough to matter.

I don’t know what to make of this and sometimes feel as though I’ve been duped. Where is the guy I dated? How do I not take this personally? – What Happened?

Dear What: You are not alone. This type of spouse-deafness happens in many marriages. While you were dating, your husband paid more attention to your conversation partly because he was still trying to woo you, and partly because your life was separate from his. You were his “celebrity.” Now the conversations likely revolve around more mundane matters.

Please don’t take this too personally. It’s irritating, but common, and isn’t worth getting upset over. Discuss unimportant things with your family or girlfriends. Wait until your husband expresses an interest before offering information. You cannot force him to be more attentive, but do ask him to set aside 15 minutes a day for the two of you to look into each other’s eyes and listen to whatever the other person says. (And if you have any celebrity news, add it to your report on the car repairs.)