Carolyn Hax: Sis off her rocker over broken chair

Dear Carolyn: My sister “Rhonda” is about to give birth to her third child. She already has 2- and 4-year-olds, and I have a 1-year-old. During most of this pregnancy, my sister has acted almost as if she hates me. Sometimes when our family is together and I start talking, she will suddenly leave the room. She is increasingly argumentative with me.

My sister-in-law finally confessed that Rhonda is angry with me because she believes I broke her rocking chair. I have no recollection of breaking the chair. I do not know why she thinks it was me, and not my husband, who she continues to regard fondly. My husband does not recall the chair breaking, either.

My mother and sister-in-law told me I am not allowed to ask Rhonda about the incident or I will be breaking Rhonda’s confidence. So I can’t really apologize, or make it right, or buy her a new chair. What is this? – In Crazy Town?

It’s apparently irrational, possibly hormonal and definitely a huge fail by your mother and sister-in-law.

When someone chooses to mistreat another for a specific, undeclared, batpoop-crazy-petty reason, as Rhonda is mistreating you, informed bystanders have a duty to step in, especially when they’re family. “Rhonda, you are being openly unkind to your sister without even telling her why, much less giving her a chance to make amends. Either you talk to her, or I will. You have a week.”

It felt good just typing that. There are plenty of confidences we’re bound to keep, but allowing nasty, secret grudges to poison a family is not part of any duty to remain discreet. Witnesses have significant power in these situations that they often don’t use for fear of meddling (or fear of Rhondas). There has always been an exception to no-meddling rules in the event of cruelty, though, and shutting someone out for unexplained grievances is just that, cruel.

So enlist your mother’s help … a month or four after the baby’s born, since a little oxytocin might put Rhonda back on the rails.