Annie’s Mailbox: He secretly talked with ex for 10 years

Dear Annie: I have been married to “Ralph” for 30 years.

Recently, I discovered that he has been speaking with an ex-girlfriend on his cellphone. These conversations have been going on for 10 years. They both say they are only friends, but I don’t believe it. This woman is married and lives out of state.

Can two married people secretly talk to each other for 10 years behind their spouses’ backs and it just be innocent conversation?

By the way, this isn’t an ordinary ex-girlfriend. Ralph planned to marry her after high school, but she chose college, and he had to let her go.

When I confronted Ralph, he said, “This has nothing to do with you. My feelings for you have never changed, and I never treated you any differently.”

But I feel as if I have been cheated out of 10 years of my marriage because his ex-girlfriend was taking part of him from me and I didn’t know.

Ralph is a phenomenal father and has been a great husband. He wants me to let this go so we can move on. But how can I ever trust him again? – Feeling Betrayed

Dear Feeling: Sharing a conversation is not the problem. The fact that you were unaware of it for 10 years and this woman was romantically important to your husband is what’s bothering you.

Has Ralph been sharing intimate thoughts with her? Has he confided problems in his marriage to her? Has he expressed an interest in getting together with her? These are the questions you need answered.

Ralph may feel that if there was no physical affair, he did nothing wrong. But anything that loses your trust damages the marriage.

Please ask Ralph to come with you for a few sessions with a marriage counselor, who could help him understand why this matters and help both of you fix it. This is how you “let it go” so you can move on.