Declining invitation requires no excuse

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I decline the invitation to a good friend’s son’s destination wedding? Cost is a big factor, but I know she will be offended.

GENTLE READER: Don’t count on it. Sometimes people plan weddings that require major investments from their guests exactly in order to keep down the number of attendees.

However, Miss Manners realizes that there are even more people who believe their family weddings to be of such momentous importance as to be worth any sacrifice on the part of others.

What these apparently opposing attitudes have in common is the way they regard the guests: as supernumeraries who may or may not be desirable to complete the spectacle, but who should be eager to serve at any cost.

Declining an invitation does not require an excuse, and indeed, offering one can be dangerous. You would risk bringing on the rudeness of being told something along the lines of: “What do you mean you can’t afford it? You take your family to the beach every summer, don’t you? Isn’t this more important?”

The way to show your good will would be to accompany your response that declines the invitation with a warm letter of good wishes and regret that you cannot attend. Sending a wedding present, although not strictly obligatory, would be gracious. So would a post-wedding show of interest, even if it involves having to watch the wedding video.

If, after all that, your good friend still maintains that the wedding was a command performance for which your own considerations should have been swept aside – well, you may have to face the fact that she is not that good a friend.