Smart Bombs: Riled up over maneuvers in Texas

Jade Helm 15 is not cologne. It’s the name of upcoming military maneuvers in the Southwest, and Chuck Norris says it smells funny.

“The U.S. government says, ‘It’s just a training exercise,’ ” writes the former star of “Walker, Texas Ranger” in a column for World Net Daily. “But I’m not sure the term ‘just’ has any reference to reality when the government uses it.”

How Norris became a credible source isn’t clear, but maybe he has a black belt in conspiracies. Then again, we live in a world where celebrities have more sway than scientists when it comes to childhood vaccinations.

So what has Norris so worried that he would take time off from Total Gym infomercials? Well, unless you’ve been living in a cave, which is sounding better all the time, it seems somebody unearthed maps of this “training exercise” and saw that the Lone Star State was labeled “hostile.” The Internet took it from there, warning, “The federals are coming! The federals are coming!”

Incredibly, the governor of Texas felt this warranted putting the National Guard on alert.

Pentagon officials have denied plans to mess with Texas, but that’s what you’d expect, right? They said the same thing when they invaded … um … well, this would be the first state the feds have attacked since the Civil War, despite endless warnings.

So, here’s a question for the perpetually petrified: When the military doesn’t blitz Texas, will those websites on the outer limits remain trustworthy? Will conspiracy theorists and bad actors remain the go-to source as a “reference to reality”?

The answer is yes, judging from the urban myths regularly forwarded to me, usually with a line like, “What about this?” To which I silently reply, “What about all of the others that didn’t turn out to be true?”

Doesn’t it seem odd that on the road to a totalitarian state, Uncle Sam forgot to shut down email? “Doh! Patriots leaked our secret plans, yet again. If only there were a solution.”

Conspiracy mavens exist in the conditional tense, where they can never be proved wrong. So while the president has yet to declare martial law and seize private firearms after six years, well, he still could! And if he never does? Well, that’s because the vigilant were on constant alert. Be sure to thank them for their service.

But this time they can relax, because Texas Gov. Greg Abbott will be monitoring the U.S. military. At least that’s what he says he’ll be doing. But what if he’s just covering for the Pentagon? Did you know he once argued against concealed weapons on college campuses? And that he criticized Ted Nugent for calling Barack Obama a “subhuman mongrel”? What’s that all about?

Alas, there’s no rest for the wary. Better clear space in my inbox.

Bottom’s up. As research shows, alcohol is more dangerous than marijuana. It’s not even close.

So it’s quite the tragicomedy to watch Washington lawmakers liberalize liquor laws yet again, while grudgingly adopting a legal framework to sell medical marijuana. The same thing happened as the Liquor Control Board drew up complicated rules for the sale of recreational marijuana.

Many counties remain “dry” when it comes to marijuana, but all counties sell booze. And now, thanks to the Legislature, bars can offer free beer and wine samples. Distilleries can now sell at farmers markets. But marijuana? Not so fast!

Guess the liquor lobby proved its product is never abused, unlike that demon weed.