His poor fitness hampers romance

Fri., May 29, 2015

Washington Post

Hi, Carolyn:

For almost a decade now, I have been close friends with an incredibly kind, compassionate, sweet, and altogether special man. We have been spending a great deal of time together, and I am beginning to envision a romantic future with him. He has alluded several times to wanting to take our relationship to the next level.

Unfortunately, I have one hang-up that makes me feel incredibly vain and shallow: I don’t find him physically attractive. Maintaining a level of physical fitness and wellness is incredibly important to me. My friend doesn’t exercise – never has; it doesn’t interest him in the slightest – and while I didn’t think it bothered me, it does.

Does physical attraction develop over time? I don’t feel like it’s my place to push him to work out or eat right. Should I just move on from this to someone I am wholly attracted to?

– Fit Friend

The time to be a better, deeper and less vain person is after you’ve committed yourself to someone. When you’re on the threshold of romance, with nothing invested beyond some mental what-ifs, that’s when you want to listen to the pettiest side of yourself, and recognize you won’t be happy unless that side is happy.

You may not be proud of it, but it’s part of you – arguably the most honest part at that.

So while, yes, physical attraction does often develop over time, so do resentment and disgust. Plus, getting together with the hope that one of you will change is the beginning of most unhappy endings.

I agree that it’s not your place – as friend or spouse or in between – to push him to firm up his habits, but I don’t love the idea of just “moving on from this,” either. You’re apparently not teenagers; why not be honest with him? “I’ve thought of the ‘next level,’ too – but health and fitness are huge for me, and I can’t get past your indifference to them.” Admitting this might bring unwelcome consequences, but he deserves to know who you are, what you value and why you’re turning him down.

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