Pushy future SIL won’t take a ‘no’

Fri., Sept. 11, 2015

Washington Post

Dear Carolyn,

My brother is getting married to a woman I despise. She talks to my brother like he is garbage, manipulates every situation, and no one in my family likes her.

She wants me as a bridesmaid. I tried to politely decline, but she had my father call and guilt-trip me into accepting.

One major issue is that my husband and I are planning to have a child soon. We are seeking fertility treatment, which is quite stressful and expensive.

I explained this to my future sister-in-law, and she does not seem to care. On my birthday she told me I need to get my dress. I was out and did not get her notice, and as the wedding is a whopping 10 months away, I do not feel I should get one yet. What happens if I get pregnant? The last thing I need is more stress. How do I handle this? – Out of Options

A nuisance sister-in-law-to-be isn’t easy, but you still have options in abundance. Here are four, all valid:

Option 1: Bow out politely. Guilt-trips aren’t binding so you can explain to the bride, “I appreciate being included, but, I’m sorry, I’m too preoccupied to be a bridesmaid and must back out.”

Option 2: Stay in politely. If you’re in, then be in. No excuses. It’s a matter of good sportsmanship and of being good for your word.

Option 3: Bow out blazing. Explain that her getting angry for one missed shopping trip is your cue to back out of all bridesmaidery. This of course will require you to apologize to your brother. “I handled this badly.” Followed by: “Since we’re on the subject, I’m worried about you. I don’t like the way she treats people. Whether you go through with the wedding or cancel – I wanted to say my piece.”

Option 4: Stay in blazing. OK, your brother apparently loves her, and she allegedly loves your brother, so you’ll find a way to love her, too, dammit. You will be nice, say yes, smile, ask her about herself. You will suggest things you and she can do together and you will rally.

My advice is see that you have options, and own the one you like best.

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