Mother’s approval important for job

Dear Carolyn: I am a 20-something recent college graduate who works full time. While I am thankful for the experience of my current job, I find myself unhappy at work. My unhappiness has seeped into all aspects of my life. I knew something was wrong when my mother asked if I was depressed.

I started to look for other positions and found an opportunity out of state. The job description fit my interests, so I applied. I was ecstatic to find out I was selected for an interview.

When I told my mother about the job, she was upset. It was not so much that it was out of state, but that I would be taking a sizable pay cut.

I do not have any financial obligations and am responsible with my money. I understand her concerns with being financially stable, but I disagree that I should have to sacrifice who I am and what I want to do for a larger paycheck.

I am trying desperately to seek some ounce of approval or support from my mother because I love her and want to make her proud. How do I make her understand that it is time to make my own decisions?

– Not a Kid

By making your own decisions whether she’s on board or not.

It really is this simple, because “How do I make her understand” = mommy dictating your future. When changing someone else’s thoughts or feelings is your goal, you hand control of the outcome to that person; what your mother feels and thinks is entirely up to her.

It’s not easy to take your rightful control of your choices against others’ advice, of course; we all want loved ones’ support. It’s especially hard when you’ve been taught that it’s your job to please your parents. But when you reach a point where your desires and goals are in direct conflict with your mom’s, you have to start making choices.

It’s her job to learn her new role: to advise only when asked or when forced to by imminent harm, and to recognize any steps you take beyond that – even some bad ones – are yours alone to take. Good luck with the interview.