Donation as gift offends guest

Dear Carolyn: My household received a written invitation to a birthday party for a 1-year-old. It reads, “Not every child is lucky enough to have a birthday party like A. In lieu of a gift, we are asking that you consider making a donation (of cash) to a nonprofit that claims to ‘help poor children.’ ”

What are they trying to say? That their child doesn’t deserve gifts because she’s “too rich”? Logically, does the child even “deserve” a party in the parents’ belief system?

Are the parents (middle-class liberals) having some sort of contest with their neighbors to show who’s the most enlightened, sophisticated liberal – class warfare? No gifts for A in the class struggle?

I looked into the nonprofit mentioned – the director pays herself well out of the “donations.”

I told someone the parents should turn off the leftist TV channel they watch because it’s causing them mind rot – denying their toddler presents. Your thoughts?

– Pittsburgh

Thanks for the proof that people who want to get their knickers bunched will find reasons to in just about anything.

Are these parents playing by the etiquette book? No, because using the invitation to direct your guests’ gift-giving behavior is a well-established “Don’t.”

It is, however, a matter of degrees. These parents aren’t ordering you to bring them cash because they don’t want whatever you pick out. Instead, they are acknowledging their child was born into a life of plenty, and are using this opportunity when the kid is too young to understand what a birthday is to do something decent for needy families.

Again, is it strictly proper for them to recruit their guests as do-gooding proxies? No. Is it sanctimonious? Possible. But at least at the end of their faux-pas rainbow, some needy families get diapers and a few guests are spared from figuring out what to bring.

What’s at the end of your angry rainbow? Hosts who are blessed with your complaining about them behind their backs by your own admission, and showering contempt on their beliefs and their attempt at generosity. Within five paragraphs of self-congratulation you manage to deride them as liberals, leftists and class warriors who are “denying their toddler presents” because she “doesn’t deserve gifts.”

How about doesn’t need gifts and won’t notice their absence? An ideal gift for a 1-year-old is a chance to make a racket with pots and pans. And since when is it wrong to value presence over presents? It’s not unheard of for children themselves to spearhead parties that serve as charity drives.

There’s also this: When a party is for a child too young to understand them, it’s safe to assume it’s an excuse for the parents to welcome in the village. Many hosts are concerned their invite-the-village impulse will be mistaken for an excuse to collect gifts, and so reach for ways to discourage them.

As a villager who apparently thinks your untouchable authority-given right to buy stuff is being trampled, and who doesn’t think much of these parents, I suggest you politely decline the invitation.

Whether you accept the invitation or not, please – if you can keep the relish out of your voice – notify the hosts of any record of impropriety in their charity’s use of donations. That’s a kindness no matter what color onesies your politics wear.