Commute makes it hard to connect
Dear Mr. Dad: I work pretty far away from my home and typically spend nearly two hours in the car each way. I also travel a lot for business. I know it’s not a perfect situation, but I’m not in a position to make a change right now. The biggest problem is that I feel like I don’t have a role in my children’s lives anymore. They’re 7 and 10. When I head out for work in the morning, they’re still sleeping; when I come home, they’re usually getting ready for bed or are already asleep. And on the weekends, it seems like all I do is run errands and take care of household repairs. What can I do to stay connected with my kids?
A. Reconnecting with your children after a long day at the office is tough enough. Your brutal commute just makes it tougher. As you said, your situation isn’t ideal. But fortunately, there are ways to stay actively involved.
Start with the weekends. I’m betting that the kids miss you as much as you miss them. And I’m sure they’d be thrilled to go with you on your errands or give you a hand while you’re fixing things. If you need to go to the bank, take them along. Same with the grocery store, the car wash or anything else. Always make a point of asking their advice and including them in any decisions or choices you have to make. What you do isn’t important; the point is that you’re spending time together. Plus, with a little planning, you can turn almost any errand into an adventure or a learning experience.
Try to set aside at least one evening per week for a family dinner. No fancy restaurants, no elaborate five-course meals. Pizza is just fine. Again, the goal is to spend time together. That’s great for keeping relationships strong and may help your kids in other ways. Several studies have found that there’s an inverse correlation between family meals and children’s risk of abusing drugs (meaning that as the number of dinners goes up, the risk goes down). If possible, play a game together or even watch a movie.
You can also make better use of all that time in the car. If you’re not going to make it home in time to read the kids a book and put them to bed, call them (using hands-free, of course). Ask them about their day and tell them about yours, help them with their homework, make up a story, or sing a song.
Even if you’re not able to see your children as much as you’d like to face to face, you can still let them know that you love them and care about them. One of the nicest ways to do this is by making their lunch for them and including a special note (I used to write notes to my daughters on the shells of their hardboiled eggs).
Finally, although you didn’t mention her, don’t forget about your wife. First, make sure you tell her that you appreciate all the extra labor she puts into managing the household and taking care of the kids while you’re at work or on the road. Second, while family time is important, it’s just as important to carve out some special adult time. If possible, get a sitter to keep an eye on the kids while you and your wife go out and enjoy a romantic evening.
All of these things may seem small, but believe me, they’ll make a huge difference to your kids and your wife.