Carolyn Hax: Relationship doesn’t need to be defended

Dear Carolyn: I am a 26 and have been with my boyfriend for three years. We have a happy and loving relationship.

My boyfriend’s mother is sweet and I value my relationship with her. However, she is always dropping hints to my boyfriend and me about getting married and having children. While I respect this is the right choice for some, I do not want children and I am not certain marriage is right for me. My boyfriend is aware of my feelings and is fine with it.

He has told his mother gently on more than one occasion that this was not the path we are choosing. However, she is insistent I will change my mind.

It’s just not going to happen. I love his mother, and I don’t want to shatter any expectations she has for us, but trying to tell her nicely doesn’t seem to be getting through. I also have to admit the constant asking about wedding and babies sometimes makes me feel less-than. As if our commitment to each other is not enough.

I don’t know whether to let it go, or if I should sit down with her and explain, from my own mouth, this is not going to happen. Please help. – Defending My Choice

Explain, from your own mouth.

With your boyfriend’s blessing, though, because it’s his mom.

Assuming he agrees: Make an outing of it. Frame it not as a chance to set her straight, but instead as a gesture to protect a relationship with her that you value. Explain you feel “less-than” when her attention skips over the present to what’s next.

Even though she is not entitled to grandchildren, the disappointment of not having them is a doozy. It would be a loving gesture if you acknowledge that.

That is why it is important not to see this as defending your choice. You don’t have to.

Agreeing isn’t an option – but listening is. “Perhaps,” “I’m sorry you feel that way”: You can offer truth, compassion and sympathy without giving an inch.