Annie’s Mailbox: Fiance drinking to grieve

Dear Annie: My fiancé, “Derek,” and I have been together for four years and recently purchased a home. Here’s the problem: Derek’s father passed away a year ago, and since then, Derek has been drinking a lot. I’d like to get married and start a family, but I am finding it really difficult to want a life with him.

I have not spoken to anyone about this. I’ve been trying to work it out with Derek on my own. He’ll say he has to “do better,” but within a week, things take a turn for the worse. He can’t seem to control the drinking once he starts. I have suggested it might be time to see someone, but he doesn’t recognize there is a serious problem.

Now, Derek has started to blame me for his drinking. He says he resents me because I don’t want him to drink. After the last argument, I told him that I was going to move back in with my parents. He stopped for a week and then started up again.

Derek doesn’t seem to care about my feelings. I think he tells me what I want to hear, and I have not taken the right steps to show him that I won’t put up with it. I don’t want to waste four more years dealing with this. What do you recommend? – Ready to Give Up

Dear Ready: You can suggest to Derek that he get grief counseling, since he doesn’t seem to be coping well with his father’s death. You also can look into Al-Anon (al-anon.org) for yourself. But please don’t expect Derek to change for you. Until he demonstrates he has, in fact, curtailed his drinking for the long term, nothing you say or do will help. You can only do what is best for your own situation. If you believe moving out will be better for you, don’t make idle threats. Do it. Then decide whether you are better off with or without Derek – the way he is.