Engagement without ring is still proper

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m writing to ask the proper way for me to ask my boyfriend to marry me.

Since I don’t think he would want an engagement ring (he doesn’t wear any kind of jewelry or accessories), I don’t want to present one, but it does seem like the situation warrants some gesture of that nature. (Personally, I do want an engagement ring and do not mind paying for it myself, but I’m sure Miss Manners will agree it would be tacky to make that part of the proposal.)

Does Miss Manners have any suggestions about the appropriate way to handle a nontraditional situation like this? Asking him to ask me to marry him seems a bit ridiculous.

If it makes any difference, there is no doubt in my mind the answer will be yes.

GENTLE READER: Then allow Miss Manners to wish you and the fortunate gentleman great happiness.

Now let’s talk about accompanying jewelry:

Engagement rings have gotten out of hand, so to speak. They can be charming, but they are not essential.

As you surmise, a proposal attached to the requirement you get a ring would not be a good idea. Yet that is what people have come to believe must be a part of the male proposal of marriage.

The custom seems to have shifted from the already-engaged couple choosing a ring together to a ring being part of the offer. Thus, the proposer has to select it alone, and the proposee is distracted by examining jewelry while pondering that life-changing question.

So she would suggest you concentrate on expressing your love and your hopes for your joint lives ahead. Later, you may hint you would like a ring, or merely announce you are thinking of buying one so people will see tangible evidence that you are engaged – or stop asking why you don’t have one.

You could also consider dispensing with an engagement ring and perhaps acquiring some sparkle in the wedding ring that you and your fiance select.