Key phrases for parents of boys
As my four sons grew I discovered what I really needed was a much more practical tool – a phrasebook to help me communicate clearly with the strange brotherhood of brotherhood.
My friends who had girls didn’t seem to say things like, “Don’t body slam your brother,” like I did, sometimes daily. Instead they said things like, “Don’t cut your sister’s hair.”
If one of my offspring had scissors, hair was not likely to be the target. Other body parts maybe, but not hair.
Bewildered I found myself issuing instructions like “Get off the neighbor’s roof!” and “Put that dead bird back outside where it belongs.”
These directives frequently flabbergasted me. I mean, I was the youngest of four, and I’m pretty sure my mother never had to tell me not to put boogers in my pockets. In fact, I started carrying a handbag at age 3. It contained a neatly folded tissue, a comb and a purple kitty change purse.
I could not understand why my boys’ pockets often held rocks, green army men and worms, as well as the aforementioned disgusting item. “I didn’t HAVE a tissue,” explained the booger boy. “And you don’t want me to wipe them on the wall!”
Additionally, I thought parenting would be about teaching children what to DO. I never imagined that so many sentences would begin with “Don’t” “Get” and “Put,” but when you have a herd of boys, you quickly learn to speak in short, imperative (often loud) sentences.
Since I was never able to find the kind of phrasebook I needed when my sons were young, I’ve compiled a short list of my most frequently uttered instructions.
Feel free to share this list with parents and grandparents of boys. It might be a bit too frightening for potential parents, but I’ll leave that to your discretion.
Note: When rearing children, physical safety, along with psychological well-being is paramount. Keep that in mind while reading.
Don’ts:
Don’t sit on your brother.
Don’t color your brother with magic markers. (They’re not that kind of magic.)
Don’t practice karate, judo, ju-jitsu, ninja moves or wrestling holds, on your brother.
Don’t throw furniture at your brother.
Don’t throw cereal at your brother.
Don’t throw ANYTHING at your brother.
Don’t (scratch, grab, jiggle) your private parts in public.
Don’t pee in the backyard.
Don’t pee off the front steps.
Don’t put (beans, peas, pencils, erasers) up your nose.
Don’t put (beans, peas, pencils, erasers) in your brother’s nose.
Don’t bring (bugs, strange dogs, strange neighbor kids) into the house without permission.
Don’t put your brother in a hole. (Also known as: Don’t dig holes in the backyard or Don’t play gravedigger.)
The Gets:
Get off of the car.
Get IN the car.
Get out of that tree.
Get out of the neighbor’s tree.
Get in the bathtub.
Get out of your brother’s room.
Get out of my room.
Get in your room and stay there.
Get out of the street.
Get off that video game.
Get off that computer.
Get off the roof.
Get off the neighbor’s roof.
The Puts:
Put that (insert any breakable object here) down.
Put that hammer down.
Put your brother down.
Put that cake down.
Put the cat down.
Put that girl down.
Put ME down! (Teenage boys seem to enjoy picking their mothers up. Don’t ask.)
Put the TOILET SEAT DOWN.
With just two sons left at home, I don’t have to say these things nearly as often. In fact, communication with teenage and young adult males requires a more complicated and expanded lexicon. Perhaps my next phrasebook should be “Communicating with Your Young Man: Grunts, Shrugs and Eye Rolls Explained.”
Contact Cindy Hval at dchval@juno.com. She is the author of “War Bonds: Love Stories From the Greatest Generation.” Her previous columns are available online at spokesman.com/ columnists. Follow her on Twitter at @CindyHval.