Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Norman Chad: A minute-by-minute countdown to despair

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady ruined Norman Chad’s day and night. (Jae C. Hong / Associated Press)
By Norman Chad Syndicated columnist

Are these the darkest days of our democracy since the Civil War? Don’t know for sure, but between the White House, the Falcons’ unforgivable collapse and the Patriots’ unholy dynasty, I’m pretty certain Paul Revere would be worried about more than the British if he were riding through the streets of Lexington, Massachusetts, these days.

With the Constitution – and a Yuengling – by my side, I watched Super Bowl Sunday. As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:

11:03 a.m. PT: Cooper Manning on the red carpet? What, Fox doesn’t have the budget to get Peyton or Eli?

11:15: We see Falcons offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan eating on team bus – apparently his playbook does not include “room service.”

12:02 p.m.: Jerry Jones tells Pam Oliver that big high school stadiums in Texas attract people to move into those communities. Huh. I just want a Piggy Wiggly nearby.

12:55: Jim Gray interviews President Trump on Westwood One, calling to mind Dennis Rodman’s chats with Kim Jong Un in 2013.

12:59: Bill O’Reilly interviews President Trump on Fox, calling to mind various sexual harassment charges against each titan.

1:44: Here’s the thing about the Viagra single pack: It just seems to put a lot of pressure on knowing the right moment to use it.

2:17: I don’t think Bill Belichick even knows he’s had a pencil on his right ear since July 2013.

2:28: Morgan Freeman for … Turkish Airlines? What’s next, Mickey Rourke for Charmin Ultra Soft?

3:06: I know we have tipped capacity when we’re analyzing the officiating crew just before kickoff.

3:27: My pooch Daisy just took a knee to protest the absence of female pit bull mix rescue dogs at Puppy Bowl.

3:33: George H.W. Bush does the coin-toss honors. If Trump did it, something tells me we’d lose the coin.

3:33:30: Frankly, I’m surprised there wasn’t a replay review of that coin toss.

3:55: Falcons sack Tom Brady for second time in three plays; I thought the president had signed an executive order prohibiting this.

4:05: First quarter goes by so fast, Patriots can’t even set up their illegal videotaping equipment.

4:13: Devonta Freeman vs. Patriots defense looks like five-alarm chili vs. a weak stomach.

4:20: I realize he’s just acting, but when Christopher Walken speaks, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.

4:45: Robert Alford’s 82-yard pick-six off Brady gives Falcons a 21-0 lead – it feels like the third day of my first marriage again!

5:07: Show of hands out there – how many of you will be shopping at Tiffany & Co. this year?

5:13: I realize she’s enormously talented, but when Lady Gaga performs, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.

5:36 Falcons offense hasn’t been on field for 1 hour, 8 minutes; on sideline, center Alex Mack binge-watched “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events” on Netflix.

5:39: I now use replay during dinner – eventually we get it right, but everything is cold.

5:40: For real: Walt Coleman is on sideline. Why? For a tuck rule redux?

5:51: If Patriots rally to win, I will move to Mexico and start to build the border wall myself.

6:14: Matt Ryan calls a timeout because he can’t hear anything on helmet radio. Belichick!!!

6:37: Ryan loses fumble; I lose my lunch and I haven’t even eaten today.

6:45: Watching Robert Kraft celebrate anything exacerbates my IBS and hiatal hernia.

6:48: Julio Jones could catch a food pellet in pitch darkness.

6:59: After Julian Edelman’s miracle, tragic catch, I will watch the rest of this game standing on my head for proper blood flow.

7:06: It was 28-3; it is now 28-28. It now feels like the third year of my first marriage.

7:14: They don’t plan for overtime, so where do they find more new T-Mobile commercials?

7:23: That is a comeback for the ages; I just wish I hadn’t lived to see it.

7:25: If it were my call, the United States would secede from New England.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I saw an item recently in The Economist – the very British Economist, no less – about the World Bowling Singles Championship in Doha, Qatar. Is bowling becoming too highfalutin for you? (David Blackburn; Gaithersburg, Maryland)

A. They’re bowling now in Qatar? Those lanes must have the best oil patterns in the world.

Q. Who are you siding with in the LeBron James-Charles Barkley kerfuffle? (William Shipp; Albuquerque, New Mexico)

A. Mark Twain once said, “Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.” Advantage, Sir Charles.

Q. Will Louisville bring in Art Briles to add credibility to their athletic programs? (Grady Chism; Indianapolis)

A. I believe he is uniquely qualified to assist both Bobby Petrino and Rick Pitino.

Q. Is Roger Goodell behind the movement to establish California as a separate nation so he can speed up the process to get four NFL teams into a foreign market? (Stan Duda; Wynantskill, New York)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!