Norman Chad: Cleveland Browns define dysfunction in NFL
The Cleveland Browns did not lose Sunday, largely because they did not play.
And thus we begin the tale of a flailing, failing, floundering, foundering fiasco of a franchise.
Dysfunction. Disillusionment. Disappointment. Arguably, the Browns are a microcosm of what ails America today, or at least your own family.
The Browns won a title in their inaugural NFL season, in 1950, and played in every league title game from 1950 to 1955. It has been somewhat downhill since then.
The team’s last title came in 1964; that would be 53 years ago, or roughly the period of time between Adam Sandler hit movies.
The Browns have never played in the Super Bowl.
Their last playoff victory came in 1994.
Their last winning season – 10-6 – was in 2007.
After that, the team has had records of 4-12, 5-11, 5-11, 4-12, 5-11, 4-12, 7-9, 3-13, 1-15 and 0-8, which, coincidentally, mirrors the low and high temperatures for northern Ohio in any given week or so in mid-January.
So, since 2008, the Browns’ record is 38-114, which means, for the last 9 1/2 seasons, they have won one out of every four games. If that doesn’t sound sufficiently abysmal and atrocious to you, let me put it this way: For the last 9 1/2 seasons, they have lost three out of every four games.
(Column Intermission I: My congratulations – and condolences – to left tackle Joe Thomas, who had never missed an offensive play for Cleveland in his 11 years in the NFL until suffering a triceps injury recently against the Titans. As a Brown, Thomas survived 10,363 consecutive snaps in a three-point stance, which is 5,363 snaps over the international standard for humanitarian treatment allowed by the Geneva Conventions.)
The Browns’ decades-long disaster is partly a product of their inability to find a quality quarterback.
Here is a list, chronologically, of the Browns’ starting quarterbacks since two-time Pro Bowler Bernie Kosar was last under center in 1993:
Vinny Testaverde, Todd Philcox, Mark Rypien, Eric Zeier, Tim Couch, Ty Detmer, Doug Pederson, Spergon Wynn, Kelly Holcomb, Jeff Garcia, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey, Paul Manafort, Bruce Gradkowski, Colt McCoy, Jake Delhomme, Seneca Wallace, Brandon Weeden, Thad Lewis, Jason Campbell, Brian Hoyer, Johnny Manziel, Connor Shaw, Josh McCown, Austin Davis, Robert Griffin III, Cody Kessler, Deshone Kizer and Kevin Hogan.
Note I: I threw Paul Manafort in there to see if readers were playing attention; he never started a game for Cleveland, though he might’ve laundered money at one of Jimmy Haslam’s Pilot Flying J truck stops in Richfield.
Note II: Frankly, if both McCown brothers have started a game for you at quarterback, that is at least one McCown brother too many.
In recent years, the Browns suffered the ignominy of drafting Manziel, which, while tragically misguided, was not nearly as big of a mistake as not drafting Connor Wentz, Dak Prescott or DeShaun Watson in 2016 and 2017.
The Browns are so pathetic, even when they try to trade for a bad quarterback, they can’t get it right.
Indeed, last week they made a deal to acquire AJ McCarron from the Bengals just minutes before the trade deadline, but they botched filing the paperwork in time – the front-office equivalent, I suppose, of “failing to complete the process of the catch.”
If Browns management ran Edible Arrangements, there would be nothing edible and nothing arranged.
(Column Intermission II: I’m still marveling over Joe Thomas’s 10,363-snap streak. How can it be? Nobody’s that dutiful and dependable. Heck, I once missed work because I thought we had Columbus Day off. I once missed work because I was depressed over Johnny Carson’s retirement announcement. I once even missed work because I didn’t feel like fighting traffic on a morning in which I was served divorce papers.)
The NFL even sent the Browns to London last month, hoping they would not come back.
P.S. The Browns’ current coach, Hue Jackson, has a 1-23 record – he is expected to interview for Environmental Protection Agency director or Secretary of Energy, if either position opens.
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NFL-National Anthem Edition
Q. If the NFL replaced the national anthem with a prayer, would that solve the controversy or would the league take a stance against those who stand instead of kneel? (Tom Snedeker; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If your latest wedding had been in 2017, do you think the mother of the bride would have been kneeling during the bridal march? (Mark Radwick; Indianapolis)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Will Super Bowl 52 have a prop bet on how many players take a knee? (Stephen Pappas;
White Plains, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Now that McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib, do you expect the NFL anthem controversy to die down? (Mitchell Shapiro; Rockville, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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