Miss Manners: Two breakfast items? How dare you

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering if I committed a faux pas over breakfast while staying at my sister’s house. When my cousins and I gathered in the dining room, we were told of the various breakfast offerings on hand: muffins, rolls, biscuits, eggs, waffles and so on. My sister also told us that there were various cereals available, in addition to the other things mentioned, and to help ourselves to whatever we liked.

As is my habit, I took a small bowl of cereal with milk to my place at the table, along with a muffin. As I did so, I received an extremely long, icy stare from one of my cousins, who was having only a muffin and a glass of juice.

Is it improper for one guest to have something more than what other guests are having? Should I have limited myself to what the cousins were having? And while I’m at it: Wasn’t it impolite for my cousin to stare at me disapprovingly? It’s not as though I gorged myself at the expense of others, and our host did tell us to help ourselves!

GENTLE READER: As long as you were not swiping the last muffin out from under your cousin’s lips or hoarding all of the breakfast foods, you did nothing wrong. Invitations may be taken at face value, as long as a modicum of fairness, decency and regard for others accompanies their acceptance.

However, Miss Manners does not guarantee that your cousin is not holding a lifelong childhood grievance about unfair practices between you when you were 8. But she does not have time for such passive aggressiveness – and nor should you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative whom I talk with a couple of times a week by phone. During our calls, the relative’s girlfriend can be heard talking in the background as if she is on our phone call herself. It makes it difficult to speak with my relative.

I have said a few times, “I cannot hear you because of the background noise.” I have asked her to call me back when she can have a quiet conversation, but each time she returns the call, the girlfriend starts up again.

I really do want to continue phone calls with my relative. Do you have a suggestion for handling this situation?

GENTLE READER: Get to know the girlfriend. It seems to Miss Manners that that is probably what she is seeking – and that calling her “background noise” is not helping the situation.

If, after you have taken the time to know her, she is still chiming in on telephone conversations, you may then say, “Oh is that Clarabelle? Please put her on. I have been meaning to ask her about her recipe for succotash.” Clarabelle may find herself suddenly too busy for an actual conversation, but at least you will have made the point that one-on-one is preferred to a chaotic free-for-all.