A Grip on Sports: We can only imagine what was said behind the scenes during Clemson’s win over Ohio State

A GRIP ON SPORTS • There are times when football and fantasy intersect. And, no, we’re not talking about some stupid fantasy football playoffs. We’re talking about hour 10 of watching college football on a Saturday, some 27 glasses of water and three doses of DayQuil in, when your mind starts to wander. And you imagine hearing a conversation that never occurred.

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• Thanks to the miracle of modern technology – a left-on iPhone – we were able to listen in Saturday evening as one of the most important replay reviews in college football history was held at the Southeastern Conference headquarters.

We taped this exchange that occurred in the fourth quarter of Clemson’s 29-23 College Football Playoff semifinal win over Ohio State. Then we transcribed the conversation between the three men charged with overseeing replay, eliminating the cuss words and the accents (for clarity).

You can’t believe the conversation that didn’t actually occur:

Voice 1: Ooh boy, this has been a good one.

Voice 2: Mmman uman stnems ooooff.

Voice 3: What’s that?

Voice 2 (swallowing): Sorry, finishing my barbecue. Hold on. (Takes a swig of what sounds like Dr. Pepper.) K, ya, it’s great. LSU is going to have their hands full with both these boys.

Voice 3: No chance. Didn’t you watch that earlier game? Oklahoma may have been the 12th-best team in the nation but still. That was Sherman vs. Savannah. After that, them Tigers will roll. And they are unbeatable this year in Louisiana. The title game is in New Orleans, remember.

Voice 1: Ohio State has me worried, though. Darn Yankees. Thank the Bear Clemson has pulled ahead. Oh crud. See that punt? The Tigers are backed up.

Voice 3: They better not screw this up. Hey (name redacted) why don’t you text Coach O and see who he wants to play?

Voice 2: OK (furious one-fingered typing). … He said he checked with Coach Saban and would rather face Clemson. Coach B in New England has film of their sideline calls he’ll share.

Voice 3: Then Clem … oh (really bad words). Is that really a fumble and a touchdown? (More bad words) it is. Tell those yahoos in Phoenix we are reviewing that play.

Voice 1: Reviewing what? No. 8 caught the dang ball and took, let’s count them, one, two, three, maybe four steps. And he was trying to turn his shoulder upfield. That’s a catch and a fumble.

(Voice 2 can be heard on another line talking with someone.)

Voice 3: You heard Coach O. He wants Clemson. Clemson it will be. You know our motto: The SEC. It matters enough to make sure we win.

Voice 2: I told them we looked at the play and determined No. 8 didn’t make a “football move.” Nobody knows what the (bad word) that is, so we’re good.

Voice 3: They on board?

Voice 2: Heck, none of the guys on the field knows what a “football move” is either. And the guy doing the officiating analysis for ESPN will fall in line with whatever we decide. Everything is covered.

Voice 3: That should cover it.

Voice 1: Hey guys, y’awl know Terry McCauley, right? The LSU grad who officiated three Super Bowls? Works for NBC? He’s saying on that Twitter machine there is not indisputable visual evidence to overturn the call. Is that some sort of rule?

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WSU: It is now officially over. The Cougars’ football season, we mean. Theo Lawson has published his final game rewind of the 2019 season. The season is in the books, put to bed, laid to rest, whatever cliché you want to use. … Wait, there is news. Kickoff specialist Jack Crane will find a new school to practice his craft next season. Theo has that story as well. … Elsewhere in the Pac-12, yes, Oregon has the Rose Bowl coming up Wednesday. But the Ducks have to be kicking themselves after watching how poorly Oklahoma played against LSU. … It’s obvious Utah is. The Utes would have done better, right? … USC thinks it can do better. Clay Helton fired a couple of assistant coaches. … In basketball news, sixth-ranked Oregon has a goal for its nonconference finale. … Colorado is looking forward to the conference opener against Oregon but has a game with Iona first. … Now this is a bad loss on many levels. UCLA lost at home to Cal State Fullerton.

Gonzaga: You know, it’s been a pretty darn good decade for the Zags. Heck, a pretty darn good century if you want to get down to it. Jim Meehan looks back at the past 10 years in this decade-ending feature. … Around the WCC, BYU played its final nonconference game, edging Oral Roberts 79-73 at home. … Pepperdine lost big at San Jose State. … Saint Mary’s pulled away in the second half against Seattle U. … UC Irvine handled Pacific.

EWU: Big Sky Conference basketball opened last night and the Eagles were thrown into the fire right off the bat. But, thanks to Kim Aiken’s big night, they held off host Weber State 79-77. … If you haven’t heard, there is a pretty big game in Seattle tonight (see the Seahawks’ section below). One of the key participants for the visitors will be former Eastern receiver Kendrick Bourne. Ryan Collingwood caught up with Bourne and talked with him prior to the NFC West showdown. … Elsewhere in the Big Sky, Montana State defeated Sacramento State in Bozeman. … Montana picked up a home win over Northern Arizona. … Portland State upset Northern Colorado 69-65 in Portland.

Idaho: The Vandals played well in Pocatello, but fell 62-60 at Idaho State. It was both teams’ first conference game. … The women opened conference play with a home win over the Bengals.

Preps: The Christmas-break basketball tournaments are winding down and we can pass along roundups from GSL boys and girls and well as area girls and boys games.

Chiefs: With a 16-year-old goaltender making his first start, Spokane figured out how to ruin Tri-City’s night at the Arena. Kevin Dudley was there and has all the particulars in this story.

Seahawks: The Marshawn Lynch story is cute and all, but tonight’s game will be about two players, one for each team. Can the 49ers limit Russell Wilson’s opportunities? Can the Seahawks do the same with George Kittle? The answers will decide the NFC West.

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• Everything is slowly getting back to normal. Slowly. It’s been a tough week. Thanks for your patience. By the way, after seeing former President Barack Obama had Jess Walter’s book “We Live in Water: Stories” on his list of favorite books of 2019, I thought I would write some fiction today too. Maybe he’ll see it and add “A Grip on Sports” to his list. See, I told you I’ve been taking a lot of meds. Until later …