Miss Manners 8/10

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Due to the virus and my age, I am living in isolation, but a dear friend recently went out to a restaurant and brought me an order of clam linguini. It was very good, but messy.

Please advise me on how to handle getting the clams out of the shell when eating out. I’m afraid I made a mess at home by myself, so I have decided never to order clams or mussels in the future when dining with friends.

GENTLE READER: That seems too drastic a solution. What you need is a seafood fork, which is small enough to spear those critters in their shells.

You don’t actually need it at home, as no one knows you made a mess – or wouldn’t, if you hadn’t told Miss Manners – but you should ask for one in a restaurant if it is not supplied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a wedding before the pandemic broke out, and I accepted the invitation. Then when the couple found out that they would not be able to have that wedding, they decided to have one on Zoom.

Well, when it came time for the wedding, I sat in front of my computer, logged into the account and waited – and waited and waited – for them to start. Forty-five minutes later, still no wedding.

Now what I want to know is, do I have the right to be upset? I didn’t say anything to them because I didn’t want to ruin their special day, but I did respond “yes” to the invite and sent them a wedding card and cash.

I just thought they should have made sure we were going to be able to celebrate with them. I guess in the end, they didn’t really care if they shared the day with us at all. I’m feeling very hurt.

GENTLE READER: If you have never had a computer glitch, Miss Manners congratulates you. Everyone else has, and some may even have learned not to take others’ such problems personally.

Why would anyone, no matter how callous, cut a Zoom guest list? It is not as though it would enable them to avoid feeding you.

Please give your friends the benefit of the doubt. It would be gracious of you to express regret to the couple that you missed the wedding, and ask if they would let you see any pictures or videos of the event.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While etiquette dictates sending thank-you notes for significant gestures, such as sending flowers or bringing food to your home, is it not necessary to send thank-you notes for sympathy cards? Do you send them if there was money in the cards?

My mother just passed, and I am not familiar with how to address these issues. I have never experienced a close, personal loss before now.

GENTLE READER: Giving anything, even money, counts as a significant gesture. So does writing a thoughtful condolence letter. Those require an expression of gratitude.

Miss Manners counts a mere signature on a pre-printed sympathy card as a minimal gesture, although perhaps better than nothing. A response is optional.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.