Miss Manners 12/30

DEAR MISS MANNERS: You have endorsed discreetly regifting, donating or returning unwanted gifts. Amen to that.

However, one of the examples you provided of an unwanted gift was a donation, “in the recipient’s name,” to a charity that the recipient opposed. Obviously, such a gift cannot be regifted, donated or returned.

I doubt the charity would return the money if the recipient asked for it, although it might at least dissociate his name from the donation and refrain from sending him appeals for further donations (and from providing his name to other such charities – by far the worst consequence of this “gift,” in my book).

The only solution I can think of – other than confronting the giver and telling him it was a bad gift – is to retaliate with an equal (or larger) donation, in the giver’s name, to a charity with the opposite mission and goals.

Or perhaps to graciously express an intention to do so the following year. But this seems too much like answering rudeness with rudeness.

Do you have any other suggestions? Is it relevant whether the giver knows of the recipient’s objections to the charity?

GENTLE READER: The giver’s intentions are highly relevant, as there might not be any rudeness to “confront.” A gift that is not to your taste might be thoughtless without being an intentional affront.

In that case, a tepid thank you (“Thank you for thinking of me”) is in order. If, instead, the choice of charities was meant to irk, then the tone of your thank-you letter can be decidedly different:

“Thank you for thinking of me. As you know, I disagree with the goals of the charity you have selected and am therefore unable to accept your gift.”

Miss Manners urges you not to be too literal-minded about what it means to refuse a gift not in your possession.

In either scenario, it would be well to call the charity and ask that your name be dissociated from the gift, as well as being removed from any lists of people they intend to contact.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is 7 years old and writes lovely thank-you cards.

His uncles and aunts have always been generous with gifts. Lately when they give him something, they tell him not to send a thank-you. They tell him thanking family is a waste.

My son is confused. So am I. How should we proceed?

GENTLE READER: Somebody needs retraining, but it is not your son. It is time to take the uncles and aunts aside and explain that you feel this is an important parenting lesson and you would appreciate their cooperation.

If their intention was merely to save Noah the effort of writing a letter, they will not object. And if they are thinking you are hopelessly old fashioned and no one writes thank-you letters anymore, you will, by making this about not interfering with your parenting, limit their ability to object. The good news is that you should not have to do this more than once or twice per uncle and aunt.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.