Miss Manners 5/26
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there some social decorum for dealing with people who seem to be trying to force a confrontation? For instance, when you don’t immediately move out of someone’s way when walking down a grocery aisle, and they get in your personal space, shouting and cursing and aggressively following you even though you try to excuse yourself and move on?
It seems that lately, when I do venture out in public, I am likely to run into more of this type of episode. For some seemingly inconsequential reason, somebody just loses it and becomes aggressive and scary.
I was raised to believe that when people behaved badly in public, you just move along. Don’t acknowledge or engage. But now, that seems to set these people off even more.
GENTLE READER: Sure, but it gets you away. Why would you want to stick around?
Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows you are hoping for a witty and withering reply that will reduce your attacker to jelly. That is not likely to be possible. A person in that state is not even listening, except perhaps for a stray phrase to use for another insult.
But all right, here are a few to try:
“Don’t I know you? I’ve seen you at your job.”
“Are you going to be OK?”
“You’re too kind.”
Please let Miss Manners know if any of these works.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the mother of the groom, and the mother of the bride had done business with some friends I had invited to the wedding. At the reception, she approached them to discuss a problem she’d had with their company, talking to them for 30 minutes until she was satisfied and got what she wanted.
They were so upset that they ended up leaving the wedding, which upset me. Can you help me see this through? I feel that a wedding reception is for fun, not for bringing out dirty laundry.
GENTLE READER: As is any social event. It should not be used to discuss any kind of business, much less to use the occasion to complain. The unfortunate emphasis on networking – which ought to mean only ingratiating oneself with useful people, not trying to use them on the spot – has meant that no one has time off to have fun.
You should apologize to your friends. Yet, Miss Manners cautions you to manage that without mentioning the culprit. If you can, just say you were sorry they were driven away. It is more than that lady deserves, Miss Manners agrees, but you do not want your son to get caught in the middle between his mother and his mother-in-law.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I have lemon cake and cheese at a party, should I serve the cheese first or last?
GENTLE READER: First.
What? Does Miss Manners also have to serve up a rationale? In the traditional order of courses, cheese comes before sweets. No doubt your foodie friends can explain why.
Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.