Miss Manners 11/12

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In 20 years, my husband’s cousin’s wife has never spelled our last name correctly. In her defense, the name looks like a typographical error, and she, being a lovely woman, thinks she has corrected it.

One assumes the proper time to have addressed this was 20 years ago. I am amused and am willing to have her persevere in her error until the end of my life for fear that alerting her will cause embarrassment.

On the other hand, there are seven families in this branch whose name she is mistreating, and surely someone will voice an objection at some point. We could, in theory, legally change our name to her preferred spelling, but that seems drastic. What does Miss Manners recommend?

GENTLE READER: It would indeed be drastic, if impressive, that you would go to those lengths to save your husband’s cousin’s wife’s feelings. In lieu of such measures, Miss Manners suggests that you find an excuse to write out your name in full. Or select a small child in the family whom you can helpfully – and publicly – instruct to do it for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, my son was invited to his cousin’s wedding across the country. This cousin is my ex-wife’s niece. He never received a thank you card for the wedding gift or for attending.

My ex-wife contacted me recently requesting that I advise our son to send a thank you card to his cousin for inviting him to the wedding. Apparently, my son brushed off the idea when she suggested it to him directly.

I’ve never heard of sending a thank you note for a wedding invitation unless you’re not attending (e.g., “Thank you for the invitation, but unfortunately I cannot attend”). Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That a thank you letter is indeed owed – to your son, not from him.

While kind of the family to invite him, a thank you letter for doing so – especially two years after the fact – seems only to serve the purpose of rubbing it in that the couple was doing your son a favor.

Letters of thanks are generally reserved for dinner parties, job interviews, state appointments, extraordinary favors and, of course, presents.

Miss Manners proposes that you say your ex-wife that your son similarly brushed off the suggestion – but that you hope the couple’s wedding present did not get lost in the mail, lo those two years ago.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am starting to get a bit annoyed with a fellow parent of my daughter’s basketball team. This gentleman is constantly talking to no one in particular. It may seem like he is cheering, but it is actually driving some of us over the edge.

This habit of his probably comes from his enthusiasm for the game, but how can I gently ask him to stop the constant chatter?

GENTLE READER: By saying, “What? I’m sorry. Are you talking to me?” enough times that it becomes too tiresome for him to continue.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.