Miss Manners 10/1
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a widower from my church for more than four years. But when he comes to church, he acts like he does not know me.
Our church has a lunch program every Sunday, and he hasn’t sat with me and eaten with me. When he goes on vacation, it’s usually with his family three kids, their spouses and his five grandkids. They have been to China, France, Germany, Iceland, Canada and Mexico.
Every holiday, he spends with his family. He also says he does not celebrate his birthday, so he does not even know mine. When I say, “I would be happy to receive fresh flowers,” his response is, “My wife never asked for anything like that.”
He does not introduce me to anybody and he likes to keep me as a secret friend. How should I handle this cheap, stubborn, self-centered person? Now I just talk to him occasionally on the phone, with no more intimacy.
He has said in the past that he wants to be my friend, but he has no plans for a future with me and he is not looking for marriage.
GENTLE READER: Yes, he has made that quite clear. Miss Manners recommends that you continue disassociating with him.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want my twins to express thanks for their birthday gifts, but I am new to birthday party etiquette since we’ve only done small parties with family until now. They will be turning 6 and are able to write short sentences.
When we invited their classmates (all of them, of course) to the party, we used a website to send the invitations to the parents’ email addresses, which were provided by the school.
Do I now ask the parents by email for their street addresses so the twins can mail their thank you cards? Or do I just have the kids type their thanks, whether on the same website or in an email to the parents?
Another question: If one gift was given for both girls, can one girl write the note and both sign it, or should I have them each write a separate note? And, lastly, did I make a faux pas by using electronic invitations? (Asking for next year!)
GENTLE READER: Electronic invitations are allowed for informal events – as long as the generic thank you email that so often accompanies them is not issued afterward.
However, asking for mailing addresses for written invitations – that is, before the party – shows far more finesse than doing so later, when it is obvious it is for the children’s thank you letters.
Because write those letters, Miss Manners is afraid, they must. Learning to write a good thank you letter on proper stationery is a rite of passage of which you should not deprive your twins.
It is a chance to teach them gratitude and penmanship – and patience, as they learn to construct rough drafts or copy useful sentences.
Miss Manners will, however, allow the children to divide the responsibility, each writing on behalf of the other (since two cannot, of course, write one letter):
“Elise joins me in thanking you for the mini trampoline. We are both excited to use it and bounce out what Mommy calls our frightening amount of energy.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.