Miss Manners 12/30

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you respond when someone apologizes for a habitual offense?

My husband often behaves miserably at events that have more interest for me than for him. He destroyed a recent weekend getaway with my extended family by being argumentative, critical and moody. As we were nearing home, he apologized for being grumpy.

I had no idea how to respond. He is moody very often, and his behavior was not OK.

GENTLE READER: Your husband is, Miss Manners hopes, habitually apologizing for specific similar offenses. But he is not apologizing once for them all – a more-than-semantic distinction, as the latter might cover as-yet-uncommitted transgressions.

And this is the point.

After graciously accepting multiple apologies, no husband would be surprised that any wife would say, “Thank you for apologizing, dear. But you must be as tired of doing that as I am of it being necessary. What can we do to ensure it doesn’t happen again?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in a popular vacation area and often host friends and family for long weekends and even full-week stays. We’re often asked to accommodate additional guests, and sometimes even animals.

We have plenty of room, so that’s not the issue; we really just don’t want to. I’ve answered, “Sorry, no,” with a smile, but have never done so without repeated challenges – being asked why, or having to rebut a series of “but this is how it could work” arguments.

I can stick with “sorry, no,” for about a half-dozen responses, but eventually end up telling them my reasons: I don’t enjoy being in that person’s company for more than two hours; I don’t enjoy hosting people I barely know; your untrained dog pees in my house – and yes, I care more about my rugs than your dog being kenneled.

I have even told someone who explained that they had already issued the extended invitation that rescinding it was going to be awkward and uncomfortable for them. And “sorry, no,” comes across as rude after the second or third time.

I know I’m failing in the politeness area, but I’m at a loss as to what to do.

GENTLE READER: Not taking “no” for an answer is rude; repeating “I’m sorry, but we just can’t,” in the face of such pestering is, emphatically, not. Unless, of course, you insult their dog.

If you will settle in for repeating yourself, and stop confessing unpleasant truths, Miss Manners will support you against your assailants.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.