‘They are gone’: Talking points – how adults can support kids after the death of a parent or close relative

Be honest, direct and expect more than one conversation when talking to children about the death of a parent or significant person in their life.

Grief in children is as individual as it is for adults, but there are considerations, said Lisa Duke, program coordinator for the Tacoma-based Bridges Center for Grieving Children and a social worker for MultiCare Mary Bridge Children’s Hospital.

Age is a factor, since it’s generally around 9 when a child has more cognitive ability to understand death is permanent, she said. Those a bit older might struggle putting words to their thoughts and grief, while perhaps acting out physically. No matter the age, adults should talk to them honestly.

“Some younger kids are just really sharp, and they can understand a little quicker, but really in general it’s that 9 years of age when they cognitively get, ‘OK, they’re not coming back,’ ” Duke said.

“Even as adults, when we lose someone of significance, we can still be waiting for them to show up again because it’s just so hard to fathom that they are gone. It’s important that children have the information as much as is appropriate for their age about the death.”

She said those children and teens then know they can go to this adult and talk about further concerns or questions. It supports a trusting relationship to have more conversations.

“It’s a process; it’s a journey for those children as well as adults,” she said. “One conversation is not enough; it’s multiple conversations when they are ready, when things are coming up, when the challenges arise.”

The Bridges center offers grief support for families with children ages 4-18 who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, relative or friend. Because the state has few grief centers, Duke said Bridges plans to start a virtual format by early fall. Contact information is on the Bridges website.

Duke often has heard the questions adults have about supporting children in grief. Commonly, adults worry that if they talk about the death with children, that will cause them pain, which isn’t the case. Children will experience difficult feelings anyway while missing a significant person, she said, so the talks don’t inflict those emotions.

Those children and youth do need chances to acknowledge what happened and what they are experiencing with the loss, Duke said. “And that’s really the way they can heal. We can’t heal something that we don’t acknowledge.”

On Feb. 24, CNN reported that from March 2020-October 2021, at least 5.2 million children globally have lost a parent, grandparent or family member who helped care for them to COVID-19, based on a study of mortality data from 21 countries. COVID-19 deaths of parents have occurred among some families at Bridges, Duke said.

Grieving families often tell her they want people around them to acknowledge what happened and not act like nothing happened.

“Let the grieving family lead on what’s important to them to talk about. Never give the message that someone has grieved long enough because it’s so individualized. For children, it will change as they develop, so they will grieve differently as they grow. They may hit particular times in their life when it’s more difficult because of a significant event.”

Duke offered additional suggestions:

• Ask children about what’s coming up for them. What are they thinking about? Any concerns? That can give adults a sense of what the child’s needs are and how to respond.

• Share stories often about the person, assuming families want that. In sharing, acknowledge feelings and the individual’s importance in life. “I will hear that a lot from grieving families that they want the person they’re missing to be talked about by name and sharing memories. It could be, ‘I was remembering how I did this with them, or how they always did this, and it made me laugh.’ ”

• Consider spending more time with the children in an activity. Show an interest in them.

• Create rituals or ways to remember. Families on a birthday or special day might go to a favorite restaurant or place they enjoyed together while sharing memories. In the home, photographs or special possessions of the loved one can be in a place a child can go and remember if they want to, she said, depending on a family’s values.

Teens vs. children

With teens, show an interest in them and what’s important to them, Duke said, because that’s a stage when youth are defining who they are. With a significant loss, “that can be more difficult.” Adults can engage with them about school, special interests or sports.

The adults might notice that teens have more intense feelings. “Any teen can have very intense highs and lows. We have found it can be helpful with teens to really listen, if they’re willing to talk, but also with the message that that intensity will not last forever.

“It doesn’t mean that their feelings are not going to go away or that they’re not going to feel the loss of this person for a long time, but the intensity of that feeling will not last forever. Sometimes, that can be helpful for teens to know.”

A young child might need to ask more questions, repeatedly. “They may need to hear the story over and over again,” she said.

Doing something active with children can help. Adults often ask, are younger kids really grieving? “What the founder of Bridges years ago said is if children are old enough to love, they’re old enough to grieve,” Duke said. “Young children need to play, and often their play is their way of working out their thoughts and feelings, what they’re struggling with.

“Adults will question, is my child really grieving if they’re sad for a few minutes but then they want to run out and play. They’re laughing and having fun … then they have short spurts of feeling sad.

“Those children are definitely grieving, and it’s very appropriate for their age to have those spurts of difficult emotions and then want to play or have fun.”

Encourage school, routines

Routines help, she said. The center often works with parents to set up a plan at school in case a child struggles because of a memory or other trigger.

Involve the child to know they can go privately to a teacher, coach or counselor. Ask children about any concerns. Perhaps they want just one adult to know, with a silent signal for a break. Sometimes, the family in the car offers a chance to listen to children about how they’re doing.

Adults should ask themselves, how did a teen or child cope with life before? Quiet and into quiet activity? Active and outgoing? If now they’re more withdrawn and struggle with routines, have nightmares or trouble eating, consider seeking a counselor’s help.

What not to do?

Avoid euphemisms with children such as generally saying we lost someone. “Saying someone went to be with God can be difficult for children to understand. Why would God take my father when I need my father? Use honest, direct language,” and acknowledge the children’s feelings.

Don’t offer comparisons, “(That) at least this didn’t happen, at least you still have such and such. That really doesn’t help.”

Know it’s OK to say “I don’t know” if a child asks a complex question. If possible, offer to try to find an answer that lets them know you care.